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TIFU by cupping my husbands balls and licking his nipple

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    TIFU my cupping my husbands balls and licking his nipple

Let me start this by saying we’re both pretty big trolls and we’re always fucking with each other. Our most recent battles have been “bean dipping” each other.

See bean dip: To flick a woman's (or man's) breast with the index finger. Dubbed "bean dip" because the move is similar to that of scooping up bean dip.

Anyways, the last couple of days I have decided to up the “bean dipping” and randomly cup his balls and lick his nipple creepily lol. At the fridge, making dinner, brushing teeth. Doesn’t matter. The more unexpected the better. The more I can get him to make the shocked pikachu face, the better!

So anyways. Here come the TIFU.

It’s 8am. We’re just waking up — still in bed, doing our morning cuddling. Morning time is usually our “sexy time”.

I cup his balls, lick his nipple — but this time, no pikachu face. This time…

This time he farts the raunchiest fart of all the land. And pulls the blanket over my head. I’ve been Dutch ovened, FUCK!

But things get worse. I’m gagging and he jumps out of bed and charges out of the room coughing at his own putrid-ness. I shortly follow. PUKING.

I puked. And puked. And puked.

Our room STILL smells. We have two fans and an AC unit in that bitch. And IT. STILL. SMELLS. He’s McNasty lol

TL;DR: Trolled my husband. Got Dutch ovened. Puked.

    Mario Movie Copypasta

      The Mario Movie pasta was originally posted in 4chan
      Miyamoto announcing the cast

      Updated version after the Nintendo Direct

      >this summer...
>everyone's favorite plumber...
>is coming to the big screen
>*cuts to bowser voiced by Jack Black* What a bummer!
>*Ke$ha starts playing* WAKE UP IN THE MORNING FEELING LIKE IM P DIDDY
>*Mario wakes up giddy for the moning as Peach is carried away in the distance, his alarm is still going off and he can't hear her, scrolls through some messages, looks up as he's about to read "princess peach kidnapped" remember to take up luigi, who's alarm is the local radio
>"in other news, princess peach has been-"
>Mario, voiced by Chris Pratt "It's a me! Your brother, Mario! We need to get an early start on our day if we're going to get anything done!"
>Luigi, voiced by Charlie Day, "just go on without me, man"
>Mario: "but together we are the super Mario brothers! Without you I'm just... Regular Mario Brother."
>two brothers will find themselves
>Mario "what?! Peach is missing?"
>Luigi "really?"
>and maybe Peach
>Mario "and bowser took her?”
>Luigi "wow REALLY?"
>but first they have to find Bowser
>bowser: "I know what girls like!"
>*presents a bundle of fire flowers to Peach* "fire flower?"
>*Peach kicks him in the balls*
>"AAAAA My fire balls!”
>who might need to be saved from peach
>peach, voiced by who do you fucking think, it's Anya Taylor-Joy "I keep inviting you to go kart riding, to play golf, to parties, and even to the Olympic Games AND THIS IS HOW YOU TREAT ME?!”
>this summer is going to be
>*montage of slap stick*
>*bowser twerking*
>Mario "aaawkward"
>this summer is going to be...
>*montage that's pretty much the inevitable dance party ending*
>*toad doing a head spin*
>"LIIIIIIIIT"
>this summer is going to be!
>*montage of every time they say "super" in the movie
>SUPER
>Super Mario Bros.

      Original 4chan version

      >this summer...
>everyone's favorite plumber...
>is coming to the big screen
>*cuts to bowser voiced by Adam Sandler* What a bummer!
>*Ke$ha starts playing* WAKE UP IN THE MORNING FEELING LIKE IM P DIDDY
>*Mario wakes up giddy for the moning as Peach is carried away in the distance, his alarm is still going off and he can't hear her, scrolls through some messages, looks up as he's about to read "princess peach kidnapped" remember to take up luigi, who's alarm is the local radio
>"in other news, princess peach has been-"
>Mario, voiced by Aziz Ansari "It's a me! Your brother, Mario! We need to get an early start on our day if we're going to get anything done!"
>Luigi, voiced by Owen Wilson, "just go on without me, man"
>Mario: "but together we are the super Mario brothers! Without you I'm just... Regular Mario Brother."
>two brothers will find themselves
>Mario "what?! Peach is missing?"
>Luigi "really?"
>and maybe Peach
>Mario "and bowser took her?”
>Luigi "wow REALLY?"
>but first they have to find Bowser
>bowser: "I know what girls like!"
>*presents a bundle of fire flowers to Peach* "fire flower?"
>*Peach kicks him in the balls*
>"AAAAA My fire balls!”
>who might need to be saved from peach
>peach, voiced by who do you fucking think, it's Kristen Schaal "I keep inviting you to go kart riding, to play golf, to parties, and even to the Olympic Games AND THIS IS HOW YOU TREAT ME?!”
>this summer is going to be
>*montage of slap stick*
>*bowser twerking*
>Mario "aaawkward"
>this summer is going to be...
>*montage that's pretty much the inevitable dance party ending*
>*toad doing a head spin*
>"LIIIIIIIIT"
>this summer is going to be!
>*montage of every time they say "super" in the movie
>SUPER
>Super Mario Bros.

      my toddler doesn’t seem to care about being anti-r*cist

        Hey guys, I just came here to rant, (tw: rcism, trmpism, s*xism)

So the other day I was speaking with my toddler, who just recently turned 3 years old. I had to sit down with him and talk to him about racism after I caught his racist ass watching Paw Patrol. (its a show that glorifies p*lice)

When I asked him why he would watch such a horrendous show, he simply responded with “Ga ga goo”

I was fuming. Was he mocking me? I certainly never anticipated that I would raise such a cold blooded rcist. I am starting to think that his response was fueled by sxism caused by his dad, who is a whte mle.

I showed him a video of hypersexual gay antifa militants to try to normalize his behavior. About halfway through the video one of the antifa militants gets tackled by a plice after flashing his genitals to an old woman. My rcist son thought this was funny and went “ha ha”

What should I do? I dont want him to grow up to be a Trmp supporter or a homophbic.

        No, you’re NOT a gamer

          12 year olds on XBox live when you kill them:
          Vidya gaem
          No, you’re NOT a real gamer.

I’m so sick of all these people that think they’re gamers. No, you’re not. Most of you are not even close to being gamers. I see these people saying “I put well over 100 hours in this game, it’s great!” that’s nothing, most of us can easily put 300+ hours in all our games. I see people who only have a Nintendo Switch and claim to be gamers. Come talk to me when you pick up a PS4 controller then we be friends.

Also DEAR ALL WOMEN: Pokémon is not a real game. Animal Crossing is not a real game. The Sims is not a real game. Mario is not a real game. Stardew valley is not a real game. Mobile games are NOT.REAL.GAMES. put down the baby games and play something that requires challenge and skill for once.

Sincerely, all of the ACTUAL gamers.

          Big Bill Hell’s Cars

            Original video
            Fuck you, Baltimore! If you're dumb enough to buy a new car this weekend, you're a big enough schmuck to come to Big Bill Hell's Cars. Bad Deals! Cars that break down!! Thieves!!! If you think that you're gonna find a bargain at Big Bill's, you can kiss my ass! It's our belief that you're such a stupid motherfucker, you'll fall for this bullshit! Guaranteed! If you find a better deal, SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS!! You heard us right, SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS!!! Bring your trade, bring your title, bring your wife! We'll fuck her! That's Right! We'll fuck your wife! Because at Big Bill Hell's, you're fucked six way to Sunday! Take a hike to Big Bill Hell's! Home of challenge pissing! That's right, challenge pissing! How does it work? If you can piss 6 feet in the air straight up and not get wet, you get no down payment. Don't wait, don't delay. Don't fuck with us, or we'll rip your nuts off! Only at Big Bill Hell's: The only dealer that tells you to fuck off! Hurry up, asshole! This event ends the minute after you write us a check, and it better not bounce or you're a dead motherfucker! Go to hell! Big Bill Hell's Cars: Baltimore's filthiest and exclusive home of the meanest sons of bitches of the state of Maryland. Guaranteed!
            FUCK 😤 YOU 🐄 BALTIMORE! if 🤥 you're 👧👆 dumb 🤤 enough 🤙 to buy 💳 a 🗣🅰 new 🆕 car 🍳 this 👇 weekend, you're 👆 a big 😱 enough schmuck to 🏃👅 come 💦💦 to 💦 Big Bill Hell's 😡😭 Cars. ☠ Bad 🤦 Deals! Cars that 😐🏻 break 🔨🔨 down! 😂 Thieves! If you 👴👆 think 💭🤔 you can 🔫 find 👀 a 😭😗 bargain at 😂 Big 🍌 Bill's, you 💬😐 can kiss 😘💏 my 🍆😊 ass! It's our 🅱 belief that you're 👉👧 such 😩😢 a ☝ stupid 🚫🚫 motherfucker, ‼ that you'll 💯👏 fall ↘ for this 👈 bullshit 🐮🐮 GUARANTIED! If 👏 you 🍆 find 🔍 a ⛳ better deal, shove 💦 it 💦 up 🗺 your 👦 ugly ass! 🍑 you 🏻👉 heard us right, SHOVE IT 💦 UP 😍❤ YOUR 👏 UGLY 🤢 ASS! 🍑🐄 Bring ⬅➡ your 🍞🙄 tray, 🙄 bring your 🅱 title, 🤔 bring ⬅➡ your wife, 👰🏼 WE'LL 👥💰 FUCK HER. 😅 That's 👶😐 right, 👌 we'll fuck 🖕🅱 your 👉 wife! 👩 Because 👀👑 at 😍 Big 😱😩 Bill 📑📑 Hell's, 🔥👹 you're 👈 fucked six ways 💯🤔 from 😮 sunday. ☀😐 Take a 🏿🍆 hike, to 👅 Big 😍 Bill Hell's: 🅱🅱 home of CHALLENGE PISSING - that's 👌 right - CHALLENGE 🏋 PISSING. How 🗣 does it 🚫🎎 work? 👨 If you can 🔫☺ piss six feet 👣👣 into the ☀ air ☁🌬 straight 💏 up, and 🍇 not get 💁 wet, 😖😖 you 🍆😛 get 💆 no down ⬇ payment! Don't 🚫😡 wait! Don't 🙅 delay! DON'T 🙅 FUCK 🖕 WITH 😣 US, 🙌♀ or 😛 we'll rip 😂 your 🏾 nuts off. Only 🔑💦 at 😂❤ Big 😩😍 Bill Hell's: 🔥👹 the only dealer that 👉👉 tells 🗣 you 👶 to 😩👏 FUCK 👉🏻 OFF! HURRY 🏃⏳ UP 👎🔺 ASSHOLE! 💩 This ☝ event 👐👐 ends ♂🤷 the minute ⏰ after 😡 you 👴🍆 write 📝✏ us 👩 a 👌👌 check, 💸 and it better 👑👨 not 👏💉 bounce, or 😫🚨 you're a dead 😵 motherfucker. 😡😡 GO 🏃 TO 😘🛑 HELL! 📛😈 Big 👺 Bill 📑 Hell's cars. ☠☠ From the 👏 most filthy 😷😷 and 🅱 exclusive the 👏 meanest sons-of-bitches 👦 in the 👧 state 👏👦 of 💦🔥 Maryland - GUARANTIED!

            I am looking for a girl with big tits.

              It's Matteiie on IG. 
              When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.