I can't fucking believe this. Pink from 'Among Us' ruined my marriage.
A couple months ago, my wife said she was going out for a ladies' night. She asked me to take care of my son, so I immediately obliged. "Yes Ma'am," I told her. After a while of waiting, she finally left and I could play my favourite game, Among Us. I hopped on my laptop, booted it up and my desktop loaded, complete with the 'Red Sus' background and all my Among Us Impostor fan-art. I was shaking in excitement. I slowly dragged my finger across the track pad, and watched the cursor as it glided over to the Among Us icon. Among Us. My absolute favourite game of all time and quite possibly the best and most well-made game in the entire world. As I clicked the button my body twitched with joy at the thought of being the impostor again. My fingers drummed impatiently on my desk as the Innersloth logo faded in, and then out. Then the main title appeared. I immediately looked at pink as she slowly floated across the screen. Oh, how I wish I could feel those luscious, soft asscheeks. Pink is my queen. The real woman in my life. My wife could never be as sexy as Pink is; her soft footfalls in electrical as I peek at her curvy form from inside a vent, waiting for the right time to strike. I could never get close to Pink, however, as if she had some kind of sixth sense, she would always leave before I could reveal myself to her as the impostor. I press Practice, to warm up my fingers before my first intense game of Among Us. I hit Blue in Comms, then cross the hall and vent to Specimen, murdering Green in cold blood. The thrill of killing an animated character in an online game has never been such a rush. I then move towards Reactor, stabbing Yellow in the back and then running down the corridor to the right to access Decontamination. I move quietly through the halls, like a snake about to strike its prey, and I see- Oh no. It's Pink. Standing there motionlessly as I face her directly. Her visor shows no emotion. But she knows. I can feel it in the air. I can't kill her. She is too beautiful, too angelic, the light reflecting off of her pink bodysuit, like stars on a voided sky. She doesn't run. I am moved to tears as I caress the screen, kissing it tenderly. "Goodbye, Pink. See you soon. It will all be okay," I whisper in a soft, reassuring voice. Then as my cursor hovers over the kill button, I hesitate. Thoughts of love go through my head. Red having reddish-pink sus children with Pink. But I have to. As the impostor, it is my duty to kill. I press the 'Kill' button and watch as my character beheads Pink silently. All I hear is the spurt of blood. There is no rush. There is only Red, standing by himself in Fuel. Pink's lifeless body laying on the floor beside him. I feel nothing at first, then immense sadness, like I'm at a loved one's funeral. My son knocks on the door, interrupting my brief moment of mourning. He asks, "Dad? Are you going to make me a snack?" I tell him to shut up, and my voice cracks. I break down sobbing. I killed her. I killed my one true love. God, forgive me. I open the door to my son, and he has a confused look on his face. I say nothing, and walk to the kitchen to make him a sandwich. Tears roll off my face into the bread as I lay it onto the counter. Lettuce, cheese and meat, followed by a sad swirl of mustard on top. My son is quiet. He sits on the couch, and stares at the floor. There is a depressing air around us. I serve him the sandwich and walk back to my room, contemplating life. If I killed Pink, how am I to be trusted around my family? I cry for hours, and finally my wife comes back. She sees me bawling on the bed like a child who dropped his ice cream. She then asks me why I'm crying and mutter, "I killed her. I killed my only love, Pink, in Among Us." She is filled with rage and slaps me across my face. I feel numb. She asks for a divorce. I don't reply. Instead, I take my laptop and get into my car, driving to a nearby hotel. Fast forward a few months to the divorce. It was quick and painless. After court, I ask my former wife to take me back.
"I can't take you back. You've always been this way. I was sus of you from the start."
I hate when people refer to orange juice as OJ.
Why OJ? Do you want to sound cool? Is it so much of a hustle to say orange juice? Do you abbreviate apple juice too? " Hey yeah, let me have some AJ?" - said by no one ever. I just think it sound annoying af.
Edit: I don't have any issues with abbreviations, except for OJ as orange juice. Sorry if I offended some of you with sensitive feelings.
>.< hewwoooo!!! I am a gecko tehee uwu OwO..... I-i-i-i kinda like u >.< wags my cute little tail oWo i wanna see ur throbbing meat scepter >_< >.< wags tail faster. Y-y-you don't like me? >.< grabs ur cock anyways cuz i want it so badly UwU ill make it quick i swear. starts stroking ur fat dick OwO starts sucking it i love the way ur cock tastes u cutie >.< strokes ur dick faster and makes u cum all over my lizard face >.< UwU your cum tastes so salty giggles and gets back on ur dick
We the Anti Furry Allegiance. Our motto is “If you dress as an animal you got the same rights.” The uniforms we wear are based the U.S. Marines but instead of an American flag it’s the phone number to a psychologist. The Allegiance has over 25,000 member worldwide, each of whom is for deployment at any time. There are several different units with different goals. My unit, Unit 5, goal is to prevent another rainfurrest from happening again. We have had success with this and will continue to do this public service. Thank you and god bless
So I was watching the Johnny Depp-Amber Heard trial, and when it reached the part where it was revealed that Amber shat on Johnny's side of the bed, I was fascinated. Now, first of all, I didn't even know women could fart, let alone take a WHOLE ASS SHIT on someone's bed. And I know for a fact that that woman actually did the deed, because I got to agree with JD that it was neither of his dogs. Literally huge chunks of turd were scattered on the sheets as shown in the photo but Amber is gonna blame the fucking dogs? You're not fooling anybody, Amber! Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those weirdos who gets turned on by literal pieces of shit spewing out of someone's ass, but for some reason I was just intrigued by the mere fact that a woman had the ability to excrete such amounts of fecal matter. So I did some research on Bing and after 5 gruelling hours, I managed to find Amber Heard's number so I decided to call her. Only for me to realize seconds after making the call that it was 3AM and she probably wouldn't even respond. I was nervous: what if she doesn't respond? How will I be able to make this inquiry about how her body could be capable of doing such a feat? Luckily, it went to voicemail and so I decided to leave a lil message for Amber: "Hey Amber, this might be a long shot but I just want to ask did you really take a dump on Mister Sparrow's bed and I was wondering if you were going to do the same to mine? Thank you!". I had obviously wanted to prank her, and as I went to sleep I didn't think much of the message. But then, about 4 hours later, I was awaken by this pungent, putrid stench that almost made me think that I shat myself in my sleep again. I recalled the events of the previous night, and realized something. I slowly turned myself to face the other side of my bed, nervously anticipating... And it was true, Amber Heard intruded my home and took a BIG FAT SHIT in my bed. Was I happy, was I mad? I didn't really know, but I sure was glad to discover first-hand that women could indeed defecate.
Haha yeah I'd never touch hands, thighs or feet with you during the prayer lol😅.... unless there's no one in the mosque other than us🙄🙄🙄..... Haha jk I would just pray alone in the corner😔 and feel lonely.... unless you follow me outside the mosque🏃♂️.... Lmao jk, even if we exchanged numbers it would be just to help each other with reciting Quran😂😂... unless one night during Ramadan.... I feel very lonely and nobody's answering my texts and then I text you: "I can't forget your smell".... Haha I'M JUST Joking wtf that's a really weird message that would make you block me immediately and tell everyone that I'm gay and tried to hit on you!!!... unless you reply: "I was bending over really hard while praying on purpose, to let you get a whiff of my butt".... ROFL THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN it's gay and homosexuality is a sin in Islam.... unless we find a liberal Sheikh who issues a fatwa that homosexuality isn't a sin and we start dating.... Hahahaha it's so dumb I'm literally laughing so hard rn, like even if we started dating, our relationship would go nowhere since gay marriage is illegal in Islamic countries.... unless we move to the US and start a new life and adopt a child and name him Saddam.... OMG that's so dumb our families would disown us and we'll lose everyone's respect.... unless we don't tell anybody and we build a mosque and become Imams and everyone in our community will love us for being God's men and building a mosque in a western country.... Lol what a stupid idea hahaha like how are we even going to live together afterwards, everyone will suspect that we're gay... unless we buy houses that are next to each other and build an underground tunnel that connects them.... LOOOOL I'm such a goofball, like that's not a good environment for raising our son Saddam!!!.... unless that's the point of having a son named Saddam, he will have a damaged childhood that will lead to him becoming a merciless dictator just like Hitler...... Lol noooo I would never do something that will lead to a second holocaust
unless???....😳😳😳😳😳😳😳