Skip to content

I 👁️ LOVE💕 CHEESE 🧀

    Mmhmm I 😂👨 love that mac and cheese 🧀 but 🍑🤔 my ♂ asshole 🍑 doesn't cause 💋 im lactose intolerant. When I 😡 have 👏👏 the 😗 shits 💩💩 I have to 😛 hold 🙅 on the 😨👨 handicap bar 😫😫 and beg 🙇 for 🍆🕓 my 👫🏼 life. In 😍🏼 the end 💯 my asshole 😰 is 👅 ruptured and 👏👏 I 🙋👀 continue 🏃 the cycle of 💰👬 eating cheese again. 😭

    PRIME DAY📦

      🚨ATTENTION!!!🚨 all of daddy Jeff's Bez-HOES🥵 do you know what day it is??? That's right, today is 📦PRIME DAY📦 which means it's time for a big ol' PACKAGE🍆 to arrive in your ass!!! So take that boy you've been SHIPPING💌 yourself with and make sure he knows you're wide open to receive daddy's DELIVERY📮 because he makes you wet like the AMAZON💦 Share this with all your friends who are sluts for MALECOCKS📬 If you get 0-5 back, you're an Amazon BASICs BITCH👎Get 5-10 back and you're on kindle FIRE🔥 Get 10+ back and you're one PRIME✨️ piece of reTAIL🍑

      I sucked a werewolf’s dick.

        Fury Werewolves erotica be like
        I woke to the sound of wind. As I looked around my room I rubbed the crust out of my eyes. Everything was in place except the window, which hung wide open. The curtains furled and swayed in the night breeze, and the shutters bounced lightly against the outside wall. I didn’t remember leaving it open, but that wasn’t my main focus.
        
        Beyond the window was the largest full moon I’d ever seen.
        
        Stories had been spreading recently of creatures that prowl under a full moon. Werewolves, if you can believe it. Grown men and women, in this day and age, spreading childish rumors about monsters of all things. But even as I told myself those things, something prickled at the base of my neck. Some instinctual worry. A worry turned dread as a fur covered claw slammed onto my windowsill.
        
        I watched in terror as the biggest beast I’d ever seen pulled itself silently into the window. It was four times the size of a man, easily, and covered head to toe in thick, black fur. Its snout panned back and forth across the room as it took in deep sniffs. And then it’s huge yellow eyes locked onto mine. It lowered itself into the room with a feline grace, and moved slowly across the floor towards my bed.
        
        I was frozen in fear. Neither fight nor flight found purchase in my mind. The beast rose at the foot of my bed, having to hunch over at full height to keep its head from hitting the ceiling. It leaned forward, and started crawling across the bed. Before I could think it was nose to nose with me. I closed my eyes and awaited a painful death.
        
        But nothing happened.
        
        I peeked up to see it standing above me, eyes still locked onto mine. Its gaze dipped, then quickly re-met mine. I followed it, only to find the single largest dick I could even imagine resting across my chest. The beast’s lip curled, and a soft, menacing growl broke the silence. It didn’t sound like a threat, so much as a choice. I looked down at its massive beef whistle, and then back into it’s eyes. I know it could smell my fear, but could also tell that I chose life.
        
        It grabbed my shoulders and slammed me back against the headboard. It’s huge frame settled over me as its fur scourged ankle-smacker swelled and stiffened. I was petrified, unable to so much as shiver at the sight of it all. A single taloned finger pushed its way into my mouth and pried it open. Before I knew it, the beast’s throbbing lap rocket was careening into my open gob.
        
        It was like trying to sword swallow a wool tube-sock with a leg in it.
        
        It went much deeper, much faster than I was expecting. Each thrust collapsed the back of my throat, making breathing through my nose impossible. Its veinous maximus slammed into the back of my skull over and over, with increasing speed and force. With each thrust, smaller, dagger-sharp hairs from the base of its porridge gun stabbed holes all around my mouth.
        
        Its massive claws grabbed my hands as it continued its work. My fingers were guided up it’s belly, across it’s matted, wiry fur. My fingertips passed over something, and its guidance paused. A small bump. A nipple? I gave it a curious squeeze, which sent shivers through the beast’s entire body. It moved my other hand to another nipple. Then up to another. Then up to another. Then back down. Then up. I felt like an old timey phone operator trying to eat a possum flavored party sub while I worked.
        
        Something shifted in the beast’s demeanor suddenly. It hunched over, slamming its almost intolerably hot love fist into my head at a both literally and figuratively blinding pace. Its huge claws gabbed my head, holding me in place.
        
        A few things happened all at once.
        
        Lightning struck just outside, instantly filling the room with light and the deafening crash of thunder. Its claws peeled the skin off of the back of my scalp. Gallons, actual gallons of putrid wolf seed filled my mouth, throat and nose. It was boiling hot, gritty, and as thick as hot tar. It tasted like a nightmarish blend of old beach sand and rotting ground pork. It spilled out of my mouth and nose and forced its way down my throat into my stomach and lungs. It was an unstoppable fire-hose like torrent of seemingly never ending wolf putty. Its back arched, it’s head flew back, and silhouetted by the full moon it unleashed an ear splitting howl.
        AWROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
        
        I was sure I was about to die. I couldn’t breath, and every part of my face, mouth, and insides were blistering up from its boiling hot leavings. I accepted death, and passed out.
        
        I woke up in the hospital. The official story was something about a chemical spill, but the nurses looked down on me with a knowing pity. I was hooked up to all sorts of machines. I was told recovery would be a long, hard road. I was told most of the damage was irreversible. I was told I would need life-long medication to manage the pain.
        
        I was told I was lucky to be alive.
        
        The words stuck in my head. Lucky? I had gone through hell. My body had been pushed and torn to its absolute limit. I had been used by a supernatural beast, and discarded like trash. Lucky doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt.
        
        I may never lock my window again.

        My fiance farted in my mouth during sexy time

          My fiance farted in my mouth during sexy time The other evening i (24M) went down and my fiance (24F) in an effort to seduce her, as one does. It was fresh after a shower which is our normal requirement for any sexual activity so that neither one of us our putting the whole days sweat in our mouths or in her body. Anyway, everything was fine and dandy. Nothing out of the ordinary. Then i fucked up by deciding to move south to lick on her asshole. She thoroughly enjoys it and i dont mind doing it. On this particular evening however, i mustve either had her in a different position than normal or something because after about 10 seconds of having my mouth directly over her asshole, she ripped a mean fart right into my mouth. I didnt make a big deal about it as things happen but it definitely ruined the mood. We did share a good laugh about it. I still am chuckling about it. Edit: I can still feel the fart in my throat. Im not sure how long to expect it to stay there. I hope its not much longer. It leaves a weird aftertaste of everything else that i put in my mouth. Food, drink, etc.

          EMPLOYEES! PLEASE STOP USING “anal” AS VARIABLE NAMES!

            EMPLOYEES! PLEASE STOP USING "anal" AS VARIABLE NAMES!
            
            Dear employees of Microsoft,
            
            It has come to my attention that the word "anal" is used excessively as a shorthand for variables such as "analyze" or "analysis." Although I respect you guys for coming up with short and easy-to-remember variable names, I very much oppose having bad words in our codebase since it displeases our investors. This is just a short message to inform everyone that this is very unacceptable and all instances of "anal" must be changed to something appropriate throughout the entire codebase or serious trouble will soon arrive. I am not going to tolerate seeing any more bad words in all of our scripts unless special permission is given, so figure it out.
            
            Sincerely,
            Jeff bezos

            Makima

              Makima copypasta from Chainsaw Man
              AAAAAAAAAAA I WANT MAKIMA TO STEP ON ME 📷📷 EVERY NIGHT I OPEN MY TWITTER AND PIXIV TO MASTURBATE TO MAKIMA FANARTS AND HENTAI FOR 3 HOURS AND RE-READS CHAINSAW MAN SO I WILL REMEMBER ALL THE HOT SEXY BONER CERTIFIED MOMENTS OF MY LOVE MAKIMA 📷📷📷📷📷📷📷 WHEN TATSUKI FUJIMOTO (CHAINSAWMAN AUTHOR) MADE A SHITTY ENDING OF CHAINSAW MAN BY MAKING MAKIMA A KID AND SHE DIES I HAVE BEEN MASTURBATING TO THE KID VERSION OF MAKIMA 📷📷 CALL ME A PEDO I DONT FUCKIN CARE, THIS IS REDDIT, NO ONE FUCKING CARES. I would like to apologize to all the people who've read this message about my lovely beautiful wife Makima, I just want a girlfriend/wife with big tits, ass, beautiful, sexc, perfect, and other good adjectives that describes my waifu Makima.
              So the Chainsaw Man anime trailer just came out and, yeah, looks good on all blah, blah, blah, blah. Who cares about that? We're finally going to get Makima's cheeks to be animated on the big screen. I've been waiting for this day since chapter one.
              
              Makima Simps rise up because we're about to go on a motherfucking crusade. Let's be real. There's not that many women I would ask to just shit on my chest, smear it in my mouth and treat me like a dog. There's not that many women that would ask to do that to me, but Makima is an exception.
              
              I mean, look at her curves. They remind me of bowling balls. She got two on her chest and two on her ass. She's 100% bad bitch, man. That sweet red hair and those hypnotizing eyes made me want to be her slave like bro. I'll bring my whole race back to the 1820s, and we're all slaves just so Makima can be my master.
              
              I want her to whip her name on my back, and I'm not going to spoil anything on what happens in the manga. But most people know that she does not deserve the love and respect that I give her right now. Listen, she just doesn't like birthday cakes. Dude, stop bitching about her. But that ass is speaking to me through brainwaves telling me that I need to just get a good sniff on it. I would risk anything for that one good sniff.
              
              You see us, Makima Simps. Just built different. We degrade ourselves, not because we're down bad, but because we are enlightened. We have seen our Lord and savior, and we dedicate our existence to her as the Muslims say Allahu Akbar. But the Makima Crusaders are changing it instead of Muslims, we're now makimas, Makima Akbar! Makima Akbar!.
              
              In conclusion, I just want a cup of her piss in my mouth.
              
              My tip is sticky. Box of balls. Jumbo balls. Kanye the imposter. Baca nuts. Kamala got the dump truck. Edpreet is my friend. Little Mosey. Black kids. Arab dudes, black people have hippyroids. My tip is so stuck. I'm EDP.

              Open I want to impregnate Makima so bad

              Please God, I want to impregnate Makima so bad. I want her to bear my children with those beautiful child-bearing hips. That beautiful, radiant angel. Like a goddess, having come down to Earth to cleanse us of our sins.
              
              Makima is beyond divine. I can’t help but drop to my knees in worship whenever I see her beautiful figure even though it's behind that unnecessary gym clothes. I yearn for her in a way both primal and spiritual. I would commit more war crimes than every president in United States history just to lick the sweet, glistening sweat from her smooth, creamy skin. I want to listen to her moans as my manhood throbs within her, I want to hear her heart race as our bodies become one and our souls irreversibly intertwine in the holy sin of carnal union.
              
              I want to suckle at her motherly bosom, slurping that rich juche milk from her teat as she gently strokes my raging erection. I would stir her velvety cream into my coffee and let my balls boil in it. Her cries of pleasure and the rocking of our bed would be louder than the cacophony of ten thousand drone strikes. I would make love to her until my body gave out, and then some. I would let her break my rib cage with any part of her body. I would let her hit me with her car just to be near her for a brief moment.
              
              She’s so perfect it hurts. Every moment without her I suffer a pain worse than breaking every bone in my body simultaneously while drowning and also having shards of glass coated in hot sauce forced through every orifice of my body. I want her, I need her. I want to desecrate her crisp general suit. I want to start a family with her and retire after our twenty seven children have grown up and moved out. I want to see those luscious lips speak such filthy, perverse words into my ear while she slides ice cubes down my gaping pisshole.
              
              I want to fuck her like she owes me money. I would let her step on me, just to feel the soft, firm warmth of her feet upon my face and groin area. I would sleep under her just to catch her drool in my mouth. I would fish the strands of hair from her shower drain just to smell her alluring scent, and braid them into necklaces to keep her with me always. Or cock rings. Whichever would please her more.
              
              God please, I would do anything for her. I would relinquish my life, all my hopes and dreams, just to become the socks on her feet so that I may warm her mouthwatering toes with my very being, so that she may feel the heat of my love always. I would encase myself in cement and become her doorstep, so that she may wipe her heels upon my face. I would tear my own limbs off. I don’t know what I’d do after that, or why she might want my limbs. But I would do it.
              
              My queen, my goddess, the light of my life. Please God, let me have her. I want her to be mine and only mine. I would lick the Doritos dust from her fingers and fill her belly button with honey mustard to dip my tendies in. I would give her a sponge-bath with my tongue every morning and serve her breakfast in bed. I would let her eat her eggs and pancakes off my body if it pleased her, no matter how painful the third-degree burns would be.
              
              I would bear the torment of eternal damnation until the end of time to taste the seat of her car but once. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for her, nothing I wouldn’t say. I would beat my own friend to death with my engorged penis if it would bring a smile to Makima's shining face. I wouldn’t even let myself cum until she gave me permission.
              
              I love you, Makima. Please. Be mine. Be my wife, my lover, my mommy, my everything. Say yes. Answer my calls, respond to my letters. Something. Give me a sign.
              
              I’m waiting for you.
              
              I’ll always be waiting for you.