Skip to content

Platinum Angel

    The big story of the Honolulu Pro Tour wasn’t Kazuya Mitamura’s $40,000 victory in the finals. The big story happened in the first round, where a young boy known only as Hans did something that is causing many to call him a hero.
    
    Hans’s game was looking unwinnable. He had a negative life total and was kept alive only by his Platinum Angel. His opponent had just cast a Molder Slug, threatening to remove the Angel — Hans’s only artifact — at the beginning of his next turn.
    
    But when it got to that next turn, Hans would say a word that would put the whole series of events in motion. A word that would send ripples throughout Magic history. A word that would cement Hans’s legendary status.
    
    Hans stared at his opponent and said, “No.”
    
    His opponent was taken aback. “Judge!” said the opponent. “He’s refusing to follow my Molder Slug’s triggered ability.”
    
    “Refusing?”
    
    “Refusing.”
    
    “Is this true, Hans?”
    
    Hans nodded.
    
    The judge said, “I have to issue you a game loss, Hans.”
    
    Hans pointed to his Platinum Angel. “I can’t lose the game,” he said. And with that, he proceeded to his draw step, undaunted by the judge’s ruling. Then he skimmed through his deck for marked cards and put those into his hand as well.
    
    “You’re violating multiple game rules,” said the judge, “in addition to ignoring my ruling, and I am issuing a game loss to you.”
    
    Hans, his finger still stuck to the Platinum Angel, like a modern day Little Dutch Boy with his finger plugging the leak in the dike, said, “You can issue all the game losses you want, but with my Platinum Angel in play, they have no effect.” Hans proceded to the attack phase and swung for 4 with his Angel. He then looked at his opponent’s face-down morphs, referred to outside notes, and substituted cards from his sideboard.
    
    The judge stood before him, flummoxed. Without saying a word, Hans merely looked at the judge while pointing to the Platinum Angel.
    
    It was when Hans cast a Demonic Attorney that the head judge was called over. “Ante cards are banned,” the head judge said. “That’s a complete violation of the rules.” But when he saw Hans’s Platinum Angel in play, he was quieted. He knew he was defeated.
    
    Hans said, “Since the Demonic Attorney’s in the game, we have to do what it says.” He proceeded to put the top card of his opponent’s deck into his trade binder.
    
    The head judge frowned in disapproval. “He’s right.”
    
    It was a matter of hours before Hans owned his opponent’s entire deck, as well many other cards from his opponent’s collection, thanks to a Mindslaver and Ring of Ma’rûf. Each time judges tried to issue Hans a game loss for casting cards without mana, or playing cards in his graveyard, Hans merely pointed to his Platinum Angel.
    
    The cards Hans didn’t want to take from his opponent he tore up, due to interactions involving Chaos Confetti, March of the Machines, and Cytoshape.
    
    Having by this time gathered quite a crowd, Hans produced a folded and wrinkled copy of the DCI Infraction Procedure Guide from his pocket and began skimming it for ideas. He noticed that kicking an opponent’s chair out from under them was listed under “Unsportsmanlike Conduct,” so he did just that. He also kicked the chairs out from under several other nearby players and spectators.
    
    The sun was starting to set. The judges had not even attempted to give Hans a game loss for stalling. One by one, they had hanged their heads and walked away, resigned to their powerlessness in the face of the Platinum Angel. Then one of them hatched a plan. “I know who we can call,” the judge exclaimed.
    
    The next morning, Hans was woken by a voice blaring across the room from a police loudspeaker. “Hans,” the voice said, “this is your mother. I love you. Please sacrifice your Platinum Angel to the Molder Slug’s triggered ability so this can all end.”
    
    Hans lifted his head, looked around the room, and kicked his opponent’s chair out from under him once more.
    
    “Hans,” his mother said, “we miss you. We just want you to come home.”
    
    Hans yawned, cast the Unglued card Handcuffs, and ordered his opponent to touch his hands together.
    
    It was Day Four of the standoff when another voice blared across the room. “Hans,” the voice said, “this is your fiancé. There are only two more days until our wedding, honey. Don’t you still want to get married? You have to end this game now, Hans. Please just sacrifice the Platinum Angel to the Molder Slug. We love you. We’re worried about you.”
    
    Hans’s mouth hung open, agape. A tear came to his eye. “Marcia,” he said. “I love you too.” He looked about him, seemingly aghast at what he had done. “I…” he paused. “I concede.”
    
    A flurry of applause burst through the room. Judges began high-fiving each other and giving Marcia hugs. “Unfortunately,” Hans said, “the concession has no effect since my Platinum Angel is still in play.”
    
    It was two weeks into the game when the military showed up. “Hans,” came a voice from a helicopter. “We have you surrounded. If you do not concede immediately, we will open fire.”
    
    Hans looked up at the helicopter, over at the tanks, and across the street at the snipers. He was still pointing to the Platinum Angel, as stoically as ever.
    
    To this day, a sleeved Platinum Angel remains embedded in Hans’s tombstone. Hans may have lost his life that day, but he never lost the game.

    Adult Swim cuts ties with Justin Roiland

      I MADE QUESTIONABLE CONVERSATIONS WITH GIRLS I KNEW WERE TEENAGERS, MORTY, I- I (buuurp) I TALKED TO THEM OVER TEXT AND DMS, M-MORTY. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I DID MORTY? DO YOU KNOW? I SOFT GROOMED THEM, MORTY. I SOFT GROOMED THOSE GIRLS. WUBALUBADUBDUB!!!!
      
      Ohhhhhh jeeeeeeeezzz Rick, I mean, that's kind of fucked up don't you think, I mean, those girls, they were underaged and-
      
      DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT, MORTY? THAT'S WHY I DID IT. I SOFT GROOMED THEM BECAUSE OF THEIR AGE, MAR-MORTY. MY FUNCTIONAL CAREER IS OVER, MORTY.
      
      Ohhhhhhhh jeeeeeeeeeeeeze Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
      
      SHUT THE FUCK UP MORTY, IT'S GOING TO BE ALRIGHT, MORTY. I'M GONNA BEAT MY WIFE, MORTY. I'M GOING TO BEAT MY FUCKING WIFE. I'M GOING TO BEAT HER TO DEATH MORTY, BECAUSE THEN SHE'LL BE DEAD, AND I'LL GET DOMESTIC ABUSE CHARGES. JUST ME, BEATING MY WIFE, MORTY. FOR A HUNDRED YEARS. A HUNDRED SEASONS, NOTHING BUT 100 EPISODES A SEASON EVERY YEAR, ME, BEATING MY DEAD WIFE, MORTY. BEATING MY WIFE AND TALKING TO UNDERAGED GIRLS WHILE I'M DRUNK, MORTY. A HUNDRED SEASONS.
      
      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick
      We had a good thing, you stupid son of a bitch! We had Adult Swim. We had a lab. We had everything we needed, and it all ran like clockwork. You could've shut your mouth, do your voices and made as much money as you ever needed. It was perfect. But, no, you just had to blow it up. You and your dick

      Borat intro

        Jagshemash! My name Borat! I like you, I like sex. Is nice. This my country of Kazakhstan. It locate between Tajikistan, and Kyrgyzstan, and assholes Uzbekistan. This my town of Kuzcek. This Orkin, the town rabist. Naughty naughty! Over here, our town kindergarten. And here, our leader Mukhtar Sakhanov, the town mechanic and abortionist. This my house, entry, please.
        
        He's my neighbour, Nursultan Tulyakbay. He is pain in my assholes. I get a step, he must get a step. I get a window from a glass, he must get a window from a glass. I get a clock radio, he cannot afford. Great success.
        
        This is Natalia. She is my sister. She number four prostitute in all of Kazakhstan. Nice!
        
        This my mother. She is forty-three. I love her.
        
        And this, my wife Oksana. She is a boring.
        
        Cine sunt io, mă? Cine sunt io, mă?! Tu te duci dracului în pizda mă-tii! Mă te sparg mă de nenorocit!
        
        This a where I lives. My bed. This is a VCR recorder, and this a play cassettes. Now I show you outside my houses. Tishe.

        My mother found out I call my girlfriend mommy

          So for full context I'm a man in my late 20's, my girlfriend is in her early 30's and my mom is in her late 50's. My girlfriend and I engage in "mommydom" where she's dominant in and outside of the bedroom. She also likes it when I call her mommy during sex and just as a term of endearment. This has nothing to do with my actual mother and I don't have any sexual desires towards her. My girlfriend and I have been together for two years and engage in a lot of BDSM activities with the "mommydom" play and I'm always submissive. It's my kink and what gets me off. I can't explain it.
          
          Well as for how my mother found out it's really my own fault. I have my girlfriend as "Mommy" in my phone and my mom as "mom" and my girlfriend gets off when I send her pictures at work. She made me wear a chastity cage for a week (a cage over my penis to deny it any stimulation, keep it from becoming erect and it has a locking mechanism so I can't take it off) and I accidentally replied to mom instead of mommy via text message with a picture of my penis in the cage with the text message of "I'm trying to be a good boy mommy but the cage is so tight. It's coming off tomorrow right?" I sent a picture of my penis in a chastity cage to my actual mother.
          
          Obviously she responds with "What the fuck!?" Then immediately starts laying into me via text. I explained at surface level what our relationship is and said it was "Gross" and that she was ashamed. She got into a text argument with my girlfriend as well. I talked to her and she eventually calmed down and said she reacted poorly and apologized but she just begged me not to ever hear anything about it again. My girlfriend was still angry about names she called her though. But my mom invited us to dinner. My girlfriend was wearing her coat since it was cold and during dinner my girlfriend took off her coat and she was wearing a very low cut shirt that says "Your son calls me mommy too." The moment she took it off my mom yells "Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME!?" Then they started fighting.
          
          We ended up leaving early while my face was incredibly red during the whole drive back. I'm trying to get them to reconcile and my girlfriend agrees that was petty and apologized for her behavior but my mom is still angry with both of us now and I don't know what to do.

          Shadow Wizard Money Gang, we love casting spells

            SHADOW WIZARD MONEY GANG, WE LOVE CASTING SPELLS 🗣️🗣️🗣️💯💯💯
            SHADOW WIZARD MONEY GANNG ⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️
            SHADOW WIZARD MONEY GANG🗣️🗣️🧙‍♂️🧙‍♂️🧙‍♂️💸🤑🤑🤑
            WE LOVE CASTING SPELLS 💯💯🗣️🗣️🤑🤑🙏🙏🙏
            SHADOW WIZARD MONEY GANG🔥🔥💯💯💯🗣🗣
            WE LOVE CASTING SPELLS🔥🔥🔥
            WIZARDS ON 🔝🔝🧙‍♂️🧙‍♂️🗣️🗣️💸💸💸💸
            WE LOVE CASTIN' SPELLZ 🗣🫖🔥🔥
            this song is sponsored by, THE SHADOW GOVERNMENT😈😈😈
            WE LOVE CASTING SPELLZZZ 🧙‍♂️🗣️🔥🥶
            SHADOW WIZARD 🧙‍♂️🧙‍♂️🧙‍♂️MONEY GANNG ⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️WE LOVE CASTIN' SPELLZ 🗣🫖🔥🔥this song is sponsored by, THE SHADOW GOVERNMENT😈😈😈

            Is 16 and 16.00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 an acceptable age gap?

              Context: My(16f) boyfriend(16.000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001m) and i started dating around 3 months ago.
              
              We met at this wonderful, cozy cafe that just had this amazing atmosphere and i immediately knew he was the one. Obviously, the first thing I asked him was his age, because, i didn't want to get groomed. It was a huge relief when he told me he was 15.748393837394049838283744929837594027264829837493929474893920753902973 years old, because i also happened to be that exact same age at the time (or so i thought). I was still a bit cautious though.
              
              Fast forward to around 2 weeks ago, it was our birthday. The two of us were just celebrating, when we suddenly got a call from the hospital, informing us that my boyfriend's time of birth had been incorrectly registered as 1 Planck time (about 0.000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 years) lesser than it actually was, due to a malfunction in the 45 ton quantum clock operating in the hospital at the time. (It's supposed to count seconds based on the orbital period of an electron in an atom of Silicon, but apparently, it was uncalibrated.) This meant he was actually 1 Planck time older than me.
              
              I immediately started freaking out and, in a panic, anticipating i was about to get groomed, pushed my boyfriend down the stairs. Looking back on it, it might have been an overreaction, but it was in the heat of the moment, and i wasn't thinking straight. He ended up breaking his C1, C3, T7 and L3 vertebrae, and has yet to wake up from his coma.
              
              Without him, I've been having a lot more time to think, so i began wondering if a 1 Planck time (0.000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 years) age gap is too much? Like, i know it's probably fine... but I'm just not comfortable dating someone that much older. I'm honestly thinking about breaking up with him if he ever wakes up from his coma. I just wouldn't be able to live in constant fear of being groomed. What do you guys think??