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I became the first person to cum on 2023

    I became the first person to cum in 2023

December 31st 2022 - I sat in my chair furiously masturbating my dick desperate to release gallons of sperm but I resisted the urge and I kept edging for 5 minutes carefully watching the clock on my PC. I waited in anticipation until finally it was 2022. I ejaculated releasing loads and loads of gooey white cum everywhere, I moaned with satisfaction, proud of my achievement.

I had just become the first person to cum in 2023. I look over my cum filled desk and chair with pride.

So all of you can go cry, because none of you will be able to claim my title of first person to cum in 2023. Go wallow in sorrow and self-pity at the fact that you missed the opportunity to ejaculate just when it reached the New Year at midnight. While you subhuman mere mortals are setting of fireworks at midnight, I am blasting a massive explosion of cum everywhere. Oh yes, I am now superior to everyone on the planet, bow down to me, the cum lord of 2023.

Happy new year, losers.

    New Year 2023

      💥🎆 F🅰️PPY NEW YEAR🎇🎊🎉 my beloved SLORE‼️👯😘 2022 was Long and Hard 🍆✊😔 We Laughed 😂💯🔥 We Cried 🥲😢😭 We Coughed… 😫💨🦠😷🤧 This year 📆 the sequel 🤩💃 to COVAGINA-69 🦠 dropped (called omiCROTCH)… 😷😳🌮😩 The eCOCKnomy 🤑 got really INFLATED (kinky)… 😳🎈😼 and Queef Elizabussy 👸🍑 Death Dropped 🤸🤪👏 right outta SUCKINGHAM 🔥 PALACE (OKURRRR)‼️ 🏰💂 Butt DICKcember 🍆⛄️❄️🎅 is OVER‼️ Twenty-CUNTY-Three 2️⃣🅾️2️⃣3️⃣ 🗓🎉💥 has 💦⬇️ C U M 🎉🎊⬇️😁 and its time ⏰ 2 commit 👊 some Auld Lang SIN‼️ 🎼😈👹😜🤑 Get out the Party P🅾️ppers ❣️😼🎉 cuz at the stroke 🍆✊😩 of twelve o’C🅾️CK 🌚🕰 BALLS ⚪️⚫️✨ r gonna DROP ⬇️🤸‍♂️😏 chamPUSSY 🍾🍑 is gonna POP 💥🔥😫 and CUMfetti 🍆🎊🎉 is gonna RAIN 💦💦 all over u!!! 💦🤤😋🎉🎊 If u send this 💌 to 2️⃣3️⃣ beloved New Year Hoes 🥰👯😉 Daddy New Year 👨🏻😻😘👨‍👦will give u his special Fireworks Show 😳😜🍆💥🎇🎆😁😋😁😋😁😋 But if u DONT…. 😰 Ur gonna get a Happy New YEAST INFECTION 🤢🍄🍑🤮👎
      💥🎆 FAPPY NEW YEAR!🎊🎉 Twenty-CUNTY-Three 🗓🎉💥 has C U M 🎉🎊⬇️😁 and its time ⏰ 2 commit 👊 sum Auld Lang SIN‼️ 🎼😈😜 Get out the Party Poppers ❣️😼🎉 cuz @ 12 o’C🅾️CK 🌚🕰 Balls ⚪️⚫️✨ r gonna DROP ⬇️🤸‍♂️😏 chamPUSSY 🍾🍑 is gonna POP 💥🔥😫and CUMfetti🎉 is gonna RAIN 💦💦
      DICKCEMBER 🍆🍆❄️❄️ is nearly OVER 😢😢…. but the NEW YEAR 🎉💥 has almost 💦💦CUM💦💦 and you know 😍 what that means 😏😏.. its time for 😏😏😏👅 NEW 🍆COCKS🍆 for TWENTY HORNY-THREE😍👉👌 all of the 🍑THOTS🍑🍑😋🙋 are making it their 🎉NEW YEARS🎉 RESOLUTION to find 👅BIG DICKS👅 to EXPLODE 💥💥💥💥 some💥💥FIREWORKS💦💦 .. and some 🎊BALLS🎊 to drop 😉😉 in their ASS 🍑🍑 💥💥 be prepared to get 🍆🍑FUCKED😩😩 at MIDNIGHT 😆🌜🌙 on NEW COCKS 🍆EVE when 🍑🍑ASSUARY 1🍑💦💦 cums💦💦 around🍆🍆👅 SHARE THIS WITH 🎉6⃣9⃣ NEW YEAR HOES😉 BEFORE 😩🍑 2⃣💦0⃣💦2️⃣💦3️⃣or you won’t be getting any 🎉party poppers 🎉 popped 💥 inside u this 🎊🎊🍆🍆NEW DICKS DAY🍆🍆🎊🎊
      3..2…1….. 👅🎉🎊NEW YEAR NEW DICK!!👅🎉🎊Happy New Year you 😈FESTIVE FUCKSLUTS! 😈Get ready to POP THAT PUSSY 😩👄after the CHAMPAGNE! 🍾🍾🍾🥂🥂🥂CONFETTI🎊 ISNT THE ONLY THING RAINING DOWN TONIGHT! 😏💦💦Get ready for BUCKETS OF CUM,💦💦💦lots OF BIG DADDY DICKS, 🍆🍆and JUICY COOCHIES. 😩👅The only place you’ll be sitting tonight is on THIS FAT DICK! 😈😈Send this to 10 of your Naughty New Year bitches 👩🏻‍🎤👩🏼or 2023 will be dry and dickless 🙈🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪
      👅HAPPY NEW YEARS SLUTS 🍆

👯hey SlutS! 👯💅 Now that we got our yearly 🎁 FUCK 👊🏼from good ole Saint DICK 🎅🏾 it’s FINALLY New Years Eve!!!🗓🍾👅 2️⃣0️⃣2️⃣2️⃣ was a LONGG 🍆🍆 and HARD 😉✊🏻😫 year.... we laughed😂😆👌🏼 We cried 😢😖👎 We coughed 💦🤒🤧 we fucked GOOD👍🏻 dick🍆 and 😵😵BAD 😔 dick, 😫 BUTT 🍑 now let’s 👏👏Celebrate 🙌🎉 and watch that 💦🍆BIG 👅 BALL 😎👌🏼 Drop 👄👄 on us! 💃💃 So spread 👐🏽 those 👐🏽 legs 👐🏽 and count down ⬇️ from 🔟 until your man 💪🏾 pops 🎉 his CORK 🍾🍾 into that thirsty 👅thirsty 👅 hole! 🥰🥰 Send this to 2️⃣3️⃣ COCK-BEGGING ✊🏻🍆 WHORES to get BUTTFUCKED 🍑😱 for the next 3️⃣6️⃣5️⃣ Happy 🥳 New 🥳 REAR 🍑 SLUTS 🍾 Yes ✅ you heard 🦻🏻 me right, it’s time ⏰ to book ✍🏻 that BBL 💃🏻 and get that ass 🍑 🅱️ 🅱️ 🅱️lown the fuck up 🕺🏽 and 🅱️lown the fuck out 💦 It’s officially 2️⃣0️⃣2️⃣3️⃣and you know what that means 2️⃣3️⃣boys 👦👦 to blow 💦💦 2️⃣3️⃣haters 💩💩 to keep mad 👺👺 2️⃣3️⃣sugar 🍭🍭 daddies 👨‍👧👨‍👧to fuck and 2️⃣3️⃣crimes ☠️☠️ to commit 👩🏻‍⚖️👩🏻‍⚖️ 🎇fireworks 🎆 won’t ❌ be the only 1️⃣ thing exploding 💥💥💥 tonight so cover 😷 your eyes 🙈🙈 and open 🙉🙉 your mouth 🐵 👄because we’re 🎬 starting this 2️⃣3️⃣year with a 🎊🎊🎊 bang 💣💣💣 so send 📩📩 this to 2️⃣3️⃣of your sexiest 👅👅 little cum 🌊🌊guzzling 😋😋 felons 💁🏻‍♀️💁🏻‍♀️ and if you get 2️⃣3️⃣back the 🥶🥶 snow ❄️❄️ fairy 🧚🏻‍♀️🧚🏻‍♀️ will bless 🙏🏻🙏🏻 your bag 👛👛 if you get 1️⃣1️⃣ back, you’ll get away 🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️ with that 🚗🚗 hit and run ⚰️⚰️ but if you get 0️⃣ back, I’ll 🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️personally 🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️ murder 🔪🔪 you ‼️‼️ now 👏🏻👏🏻 drop 🧎🏻‍♀️🧎🏻‍♀️ those 🏀🏀 balls ⚽️⚽️ in your 🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️ mouth 👄👄 and 🤱🏻🤱🏻 guzzle 😝😝 them 👯‍♀️👯‍♀️ like 🥂🥂champagne 🍾🍾days 😍😍😍
      SLAPPY 👋💫 NUDE 😳😝 YEAR EVE 🙈❗❗❗. I'm not 🙅‍♀️❌ in Times Square🍎🏙 but I can DROP⬇️ 👇some BALLS 🍒👄❗❗. When the ClOCK⏰🍆 STR0KES 😏 MIDnight😴😫❓❓👀 Confetti🎉🎊 wont ❌ be the only thing 🤔😓BLASTING 💦💥onto BYSTANDERS 👅🚨❗ RING 💍💎 in twenty thotty-three 💯with a gangBANG 🔞🆒️❗❗

      Let’s have a serious conversation about masturbation, son.

        If you're going to do it while mom and dad are home, can you at least shut the door, and not be so loud about it? For god's sake, if you're going to watch pornography, at least put in headphones, we don't want to hear that shit through the Bluetooth speaker. I don't want to know that my fourteen-year-old son is into scat porn. I didn't need to hear that, but now the whole family knows. Grandma was over visiting. She was down in the dining room, eating a biscuit, drinking some tea, and the next thing we know, the Bluetooth speaker starts playing this crazy scat porn. We heard all sorts of women moaning, and fart sounds, and what can only be described as poop being used as lubricant for somebody's penis. It was distasteful. It probably didn't taste very good, because shit as far as I know, doesn't have a good flavor. I tried your mother's shit one time, and it was not that great. It was fine, probably 3/10 at best, but I wouldn't recommend it. If it was served to me on a plate, I wouldn't return to that restaurant. I would say, "You know what. This chef, he did not do his best. This shit, subpar. Not the greatest."

        I almost had sex earlier today

          Almost had sex earlier today
          I went to the supermarket earlier today, to buy some cheese and bacon, you know? So I went up to the girl working there and she said: "Good morning, how can I help you?"

I couldn't believe this naughty bitch was offering herself to me at 7 am, but I managed to keep myself calm and said: "Good morning. I want 300g of mozzarella cheese and 300g of bacon please."

She started working on my order, and after a while she came to me and said "Sir, I acidentally put 350g of cheese instead of 300g. Can I leave it or do you want me to take some off?"

Holy fucking shit. I couldn't believe what this cum-addicted slut just said. She knew I only wanted 300g of cheese, but instead of giving me what I asked for she decided to try to have sex with me. I'm gonna explain it to you: what's the difference between 300g and 350g of cheese? That's right, 50 grams. What else has 50 grams? Yes, that's the average weight of a condom packaging, and also the average amount of sperm expelled during a sexual act. And worst of all, do you know which sentence has 50 letters? "Oh daddy please destroy my pussy and cum in my little slut ass".

I was shocked at the audacity of this whore, but I was better than this. I told her to take a little bit of cheese off, and she said: "is 308g alright sir?" I was shaking and sharting at this point. I couldn't believe she was humiliating herself like this. Do you know what has 8 letters? "I love you". But I didn't love her, I didn't love this attention deprived thot back. So I just said: "I'm not going to give in to your schemes. You should value yourself more, you are better than this".

As I was paying for my products at the cashier I could hear a great commotion, and I saw that the girl and all the other female employees were crying in unison. I left the supermarket knowing that I did the right thing.

          Then something just snapped, something inside of me

            Vegeta speech copypasta
            Then something just snapped, something inside of me. I didn't care anymore. I didn't care about being better than Kakarot, I didn't care about being a super saiyan. I didn't care if I lived. I didn't care about anything! And then.. It happened.
            Then something just snapped. Something inside of me. "NO, NO MORE! THATS IT! I DONT CARE!" I didnt care anymore. I didnt care about being better then kakarot, I didnt care about being a super saiyan, I didnt care if i lived! I didnt care about anything! And then.. It happened.

            Own a sword for manor defence

              Original “Own a musket for home defense” pasta
              Own a sword for manor defence, since that's what the Magna Carta intended. Four heathens break into my cottage. "What in the Lord's name?" As I grab my aventail bascinet and windlass arbalest. Punch a bolt through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Throw a pot of naft at the second man and miss entirely since it's a hand thrown grenade in the dark and burns down the neighbour's harvest causing them to starve in the winter. I have to resort to the pot of boiling oil at the top of the hay loft "Deus Lo Vult!" The boiling oil completely drenches two men and cause them to scream in agony and writhe on the ground, racked with incomprehensible pain. The screams of pain frightens horses in nearby stables. Draw sword and charge the last terrified infidel. He bleeds out with no one to assist him since this is Feudal Europe and nobody gives a shit. Just as the Magna Carta intended.