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Response to Spotify Ad

    I fucking hate the eight track tape line. I hate it. Where the hell do they get off talking to their patrons like that? The tone in which the woman says it is so demeaning… so condescending… she says it as if she knows me. As if she knows my life. As if she KNOWS my struggles. But no. She doesn’t. She doesn’t know me, and she doesn’t know whether or not I know what an eighth track tape looks like. Nonetheless, it relents. Every time I turn on my 70s easy listening playlist she’s there. Watching. Waiting. Mocking. And every time, she’s there to tell me that I don’t know what an 8 track tape looks like.
    [wpedon id=813]

    ***THIS IS WARNING ABOUT A SCAM***

      WARNING !!!!!

If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your tits DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR TITS. This is a scam and he is only trying to SEE YOUR TITS.

Please warn others that their tits may be at risk.

      Anime girl profile picture

        Some people add me because they think I'm a girl since my avatar is an anime girl, then when I tell them I'm a guy they usually ask me if I'm gay. Well listen here, using a female anime pic not only shows your appreciation of the opposite gender, but also to all of the 2D girls out there that desperately need a 3D boyfriend. We must unite as one, fellow guys who have anime girls as their avatars, and show these fools that we are proud to show off our favorite anime girls in our profile pictures.

        Fuck you, Redditard

          Fuck you Redditard. You should be ashamed of yourself for stealing quality content such as his. You’re merely a plebeian nerd that likes to steal OC from content creators because you’re unable to create sophisticated and HILARIOUS content that is actually meant to be uploaded on iFunny not Reddit. You see, the difference is iFunny is for people who are not only witty, but extremely intelligent, thoughtful, and hilarious. Reddit on the other hand, is meant for silly nerd baffoons that don’t have a sense of humor, are stupid and not funny. A monkey sitting at a typewriter can come up with more quality content than you. Hell, my baby sister could probably come up with a more quality content username. If I did a poll right now on iFunny about you, we would all be shredding you to smithereens because quite frankly, you’re a pathetic loser. I just wanted to personally let you know that if I was your dad, I would disown you. You should really consider coming up with better, more quality content like the original uploader because the content you have is just pure bologna. I’m sick and tired with Redditards like you stealing quality content and then just posting it to reddit and thinking that you’re original and funny. Quite frankly, it’s just plain pathetic.

          AITA (am I the asshole) for literally being a perfect person?

            English is my fourth language and I'm writing this on my phone with a throwaway account using only my toes while reading Kierkegaard so please forgive me for any grammar mistakes. :)

So, a little backstory. I'm a 24-year-old female, 5'10, white (thank God), skinny with DD breasts and an ass that barely fits in skinny jeans. People often say that I'm the most stunningly gorgeous person they've ever met and I should consider modeling but I dunno lol. I'm childfree, an atheist, a meat lover, and strictly heterosexual.

Anyway, both my parents died in a Muslim terrorist attack when I was 12 along with all my aunts, uncles, and grandparents so I took it upon myself to raise all twenty of my siblings and cousins singlehandedly, working four full-time jobs while going to school, leading eight clubs, captaining the varsity volleyball, water polo, and basketball teams, and volunteering at a hospital all while maintaining a healthy social life. I'm currently working on my fifth Ph.D. in between running my successful non-profit to end global poverty, writing my eleventh novel, starring in the final Tarantino film, streaming Minecraft, protesting in Hong Kong, and phone banking for Bernie Sanders.

So I was at the hardware store picking out a chandelier to put in the house I'm building for the homeless when this fat, smelly, repulsive, gay, transgender "woman" walks up to me and shrieks, "you're oppressing me by being thin! Eat a fucking vegan burger you skinny slut!" I hit her with the "okay boomer," and she responded, "that's literally as offensive as calling me a n*gger!" Then she threw her slimy crotch goblin at me and screamed, "get her, Jayden! Infect her with your polio that you got because I refuse to vaccinate you!" I didn't wanna be a Karen and call the manager over to settle this so I took it upon myself to personally vaccinate her child right on the spot and saved his life. The "woman" then tried to convert me to Christianity so I kicked her in the balls and dragged her out of the store. Everyone clapped, the manager gave me $1,000 (which I donated to TeamTrees), and Obama reached out to thank me for my bravery.

So reddit. Fellow redditors. People of reddit. Denizens of reddit.com. Wise sages of the internet. Tell me the truth. Am I the asshole?

Edit: Wow, this got a lot more attention than I thought it would! Since a lot of people are asking, yes, I am a Navy SEAL and no, I have never pooped in my entire life. I was a quadriplegic after this incident but I overcame the paralysis very quickly because I'm not a little bitch. Also, because it seems to be relevant, here are the details of my sex life: I get plowed three to four times a day by my perfect lover, I'm into every kink imaginable, I have no gag reflex, and my tubes are tied so no worries there. Apparently sex with me cures all diseases and causes a bigger dopamine hit than heroin, but I dunno.