I like to think it’s late at night and I’m having a really bad mental breakdown, I already almost slit my own veins and tried choking myself to death since there was nothing to hang myself with. So, I hurry to the attic between tears, gasps, and suppressed cries of agony, and reach the edge of the roof.
My mind is set on finally ending all this pain that’s been crushing me like a roadroller stepping over every bone and organ in my body, but my body is still clinging to life out of instinct. As I try to convince myself to jump off, I hear a voice from the door to the attic.
“ALEX, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!” I hear Bibi call out as she hurries over to the edge, her pace getting slower as she realises she shouldn’t startle me.
I see the fear and panic etched on her face, my mind suddenly feels like it’s splitting up as I process the fear in her eyes is out of worry for my own life. The fact that she actually worried, that she actually cared. And that, in the most panic I’ve seen her go through, she still didn’t even think of calling me by my deadname, which is to say she called me by my real name. This made me realised that she truly cared for ME, that I’m not just not alone, but that there’s hope for me to be seen for who I am.
She approaches me carefully and reaches her hand out to me. “Alex, please…” She calls out slowly, but her voice still cracks as she holds back tears. “Take my hand, d-don’t do something stupid now…”
Her eyes soften as she feels my hand hold onto hers, and my body lowering slowly. She hesitates to pull me into a hug as she remembers my sensory issues, so she just opens her arms invitingly. “Can I…?”
I immediately hug her as tight as I can, sobbing uncontrollably as I hide my face in her shoulder. Cries for help, cries against the unfairness I was put through that led me to get here, cries for support, cries that I suppressed and shut tight even when my mind was breaking down into dust finally flow out like a river that’s been clogged by a dam for too long.
She cradles my head firmly against her chest, her fingers tighten slightly in my hair like she’s afraid of letting go off me. Her other hand strokes my back as she presses a kiss to the top of my head.
“It’s all gonna be alright… I‘ll make sure of it. I swear, I’m not letting you go.” She promises between her own cries and sobs of empathy, her face pressed on my hair. “I won’t hold myself back from telling you how cute you look when you rant about things just because I don’t wanna be cheesy…” Her hand soothingly traces down my arm “I’ll make sure you know just how beautiful you are so you don’t-“ Her hand suddenly freezes as she feels numerous scars on my arm. “I’ll make sure you know how much worth you have so you don’t do things like that anymore.”
After I fully calm down, she stands up and takes me into her arms like a princess. She takes me into her room and places me down onto the bed with her, holding me until I peacefully fall asleep.
