Okay, look. I love straight people. My best friend’s neighbor’s sister is straight, so don’t come at me like I’m some heterophobe or whatever. Some of my favorite characters are straight (Captain America? Iconic. He’s so brave for being openly heterosexual in this climate).
BUT, like… why y’all gotta make everything about being straight? Every damn book, movie, video game… it’s like, kiss kiss*—“Oh no, Becky, you complete me, Brad.” Like, girl, I get it, y’all wanna hold hands and make babies and do missionary every Thursday night before 9 PM. We get it, I swear! But damn, does the plot need to revolve around Chad’s desire to put a ring on Jessica’s finger while she wears a floral sundress and they sip lattes on a date? Is that really pushing the story forward? I came for the zombies, and y’all giving me a Hallmark wedding special.
And don’t even get me started on the kissing. The constant kissing. Like, can we have ONE damn fight scene without two straight people almost dying but then deciding NOW, in the middle of war, is the perfect time to “prove their love” through lip-locking? The world is burning down and y’all over here playing tongue twister because straight love conquers all. Meanwhile, the villain is literally recharging his powers with heteronormative PDA energy.
Look, I’m not saying straight people shouldn’t exist in fiction—I’m just asking for, you know, some subtlety? Like, could Chad be straight without needing to shout it from the mountaintops? Does Janet really need to tell her coworker for the 50th time how “the right man” will come around? Straight people always acting like their sexual orientation is a plot point. We’re just here for the dragon slaying, and suddenly the protagonist is dropping hints like “oh, by the way, I’m super into boobs.” Bro, WHO ASKED? Where’s the story justification?!
Just keep it private, you know? Like, idk, let Chad be straight in his own damn living room. Why do we have to see it? Straight marriage? Okay, fine, but why bring it into every conversation? Can’t they just live happily ever after in the background? Why y’all making everything about straight love like it’s revolutionary?
I mean, it’s 2024. No one’s mad that you’re straight; we just don’t wanna see it. Save it for the bedroom. Or better yet, save it for your suburban cul-de-sac BBQ where y’all can discuss mortgage rates and baby showers while pretending The Notebook is peak cinema. 😒