Every Hockey copypasta

I’m a firm believer that Nashville sweeping them is a huge fluke

Original Reddit post

No disrespect to the preds, I'm a firm believer that Nashville sweeping them is a huge fluke and robs the Hawks of truly accomplishing what their capable of. I've spent the last few days in pure disbelief and it just doesn't make sense to me. I've spent the entire regular season watching the Hawks play great hockey it's just not fair.

If the Hawks lose again I will face that the Preds deserved the win, but I am just 100% sure it was a fluke and does a big disservice to the Hawks and the NHL.

shut the fuck lil dick

Link to image of the response

shut the fuck lil dick and go suck on your mummy's titties and stop wasting my time

But maybe the kid just isn’t ready for the NHL yet?

It's still early in the season I know... But maybe the kid just isn't ready for the NHL yet? With the media hounding him, the pressure of being considered the next "great one", fuck I wouldn't be able to handle that shit. Maybe having him in the minors for another year or two to develop a bit wouldn't have been a bad idea. The kid is only 18. At 18 I was complete fucktard who had no idea what I wanted to do. Not much has changed... but I'd like to think I have a bit of a better head on my shoulders now. I actually feel really bad for Mcdavid, and I hope we don't ruin him. Edit: I'm being lynched for ever daring to doubt the greatness of Connor Mcdavid. How dare I say such blasphmey after only THREE games. You're right, he may only be 18 years old, but he has the emotional maturity of a Buddhist monk, and the body and athleticism as a top olympic athlete. He may have hit puberty only 3 to 4 years ago, but he is a grown man now, capable of all pressure and criticism that comes his way. I am but a lowly neckbeard maple leafs fan who lives in my mothers basement here to shit on him for not getting 50 goals in his first 3 games. I am a rodent, and he is a golden god. I'm going to go light myself on fire now. Thank you for showing me the error of my ways with you jamming the downvote arrow on your computer screen with all your might and telling me how much of an idiot I am.

The existence of Craig Smith

The existence of Craig Smith is endlessly amusing to me. His name is just "Craig Smith." That's the name of your CPA. He was born in Madison, WI, which is like the first city you'd think of if you needed a random city to facilitate telling a story or joke. He was picked in the 4th round, a complete afterthought, but he's pretty good for some reason. It's like he was put into witness protection and they sprang "NHL winger" on him for his new job, despite having previously been a botanist or something. All the details of his NHL career seem to be carefully fabricated to support this cover. Craig Smith is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma.

Ritchie is one of the worst players I’ve seen in a Bruins sweater in a long time

This is going to sound like sour grapes from a Boston fan but I don't give a shit.

Ritchie is one of the worst players I've seen in a Bruins sweater in a long time. He routinely made me question what it meant to be a Boston fan, he tested my patience and my ability to root for my boys on a routine basis.

I can excuse a lot, that's what sports fandom is, right? It's a place to be biased and petty and stupid in a safe little sandbox of biased petty stupidity. But suck me sideways Thick Dick Nick made it a chore. I can handle guys lacking talent but playing with heart, I can handle a lack of heart in crazy talented guys, I can handle the staggering room temperature milk mediocrity of guys like Lee Stempniak, but Thick Dick Nick is none of those things.

He plays the game like someone trying to egg you on into taking a swing at him. He skates with the urgency of an old lady shopping for canned beats, but with half the speed. His hockey IQ is on par with Brett Favre's. I'm assuming Brett Farve has never played hockey, correct me if I'm wrong. Nick constantly skates around like he's surprised he's at an NHL game and then glides back to the bench (probably from the penalty box for a stick infraction) with the dim look of Lenny from Of Mice and Men. Then he sits there like a melting chocolate Santa, with his hair inexplicably sticking up through the vent in his helmet, waiting to be surprised by his next turn to get on the ice.

Consider this: He scored 15 goals last year, found some dangerous ice as a PP scorer, and Bruins fans were debating if he would be a good 4th liner or not this year, because our 4th line was that fucking bad, and Ritchie was the only skater who could conceivably make it worse. He scored 15 goals for us and we weren't sure if he would be a good replacement for Chris fucking Wagner, the surly hobbit of the TD garden.

Nick Ritchie is a bigger contributor to the decline in cardiovascular health in Boston fans than smoking and obesity. He's the equivalent of a double bacon cheeseburger on your system. He is hockey diarrhea. The guy takes the stupidest retaliatory penalties you've ever seen. He is complete invisible until you need a momentum swing, goes "Got ya boss" and cross checks someone in the neck and bumbles off the ice like Abbott and/or Costello while simultaneously shrugging and bitching to the refs and the guy he blindsided.

I'm sure he's not a bad guy IRL, I don't mean for this to be a character assassination. I'm sure he has family and besides Brett they probably don't suck. This isn't about kicking a player on their way out; let the record reflect that every Boston fan has a few memories of cursing his name and that we started kicking him long before he was down. (See also the general well wishes for Kuraly upon his departure.)

Nick isn't a goon, he's a bad boyfriend. He'll score a couple of goals one week and you'll think he's turned a corner and then he'll hit on one of your friends and tell you to chill out because he's just being friendly. Don't buy the hype, be fucking aware.

I am ecstatic that Ritchie wasn't held onto as a sunk cost, and that Toronto signed him. There you go, that's your analysis.

This kid’s fucking jacked

This kid's fucking jacked. Thick, dense, built whatever you wanna call him he's got it. Legs thicker than my chest, and shoulders wider than my wingspan. Making full use of his frame and with the golden flow to top it off. He dwarfed us all. Bonafide stallion.

Yeah, fuck off buddy we absolutely need more Laine clips

Yeah, fuck off buddy we absolutely need more Laine clips. Fuckin every time this kid steps on the ice someone scores. kids fuckin dirt nasty man. Does fuckin ovi have 12 goals this season I dont fuckin think so bud. I'm fuckin tellin ya Patrik "golden flow" Laine is pottin 50 in '17 fuckin callin it right now. Clap bombs, fuck moms, wheel, snipe, and fuckin celly boys fuck

I saw Taylor Hall at a grocery store

I saw Taylor Hall at a grocery store in D.C yesterday.

I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything.

He said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?” I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying.

The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter.

When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly.

After paying for the Milky Ways he proceeded to leave the store and throw all of them in the garbage. Haven't seen him since.

I saw Ryan Kesler at a grocery store

I saw Ryan Kesler at a grocery store in Vancouver yesterday. I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything. He said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?” I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying. The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter. When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly

We don’t have any words and we know you don’t want to hear them.

We don’t have any words and we know you don’t want to hear them.

We understand your anger, your frustration, your sadness. Everything you’re feeling – we get it.

This isn’t the ending we imagined, and certainly not the one we wanted. Thank you for being there the entire way.

Uh Nate, I know you’re a gamer

Uh Nate, I know you’re a gamer and uh and all this and, uh you know, I’m just thinking maybe out loud as far as in your shoes right now like, we’ve done all the thinking we can do, we’ve done all of the game plan we can do, maybe, maybe, you know just FUCK IT, we’ll just go into it next year and not think that anymore and just win this thing when we don’t think that much. Am I on the right path at all with this? Like maybe you guys just think a little too much?

Who the fuck even is Chandler Stephenson?

Who the fuck even is Chandler Stephenson? He sounds like a low level manager at a small to medium sized credit union. Those big front pearly chompers bursting out of his mouth screaming that he has a great benefits package including orthodontics. Probably goes home to a beautiful wife named Theresa, two thriving sons named Douglas and Peter, and has a spotted Great Dane named Oswald who has a massive dangling set of untrimmed nuts. How you gunna be a 1C on a top NHL team and be named Chandler Stephenson. Might as well be named Dansby Swanson or something. Figure it out bud.

Goaltender Interference Rules

Goaltender Interference Rules
1) You can't just be up there and just doin' an interference like that.
1a. Interference is when you
1b. Okay well listen. An interference is when you interfere the
1c. Let me start over
1c-a. The skater is not allowed to do a block to the, uh, goalie, that prohibits the goalie from doing, you know, just trying to save the puck. You can't do that.
1c-b. Once the skater is in the offensive zone, he can't be over here and say to the goalie, like, "I'm gonna get ya! I'm gonna block your view! You better watch your butt!" and then just be like he didn't even do that.
1c-b(1). Like, if you're about to make a goal and then don't leave the crease, you have to still leave the crease. You cannot not avoid the goaltender. Does that make any sense?
1c-b(2). You gotta be, skating motion out of the crease, and then, until you just leave it.
1c-b(2)-a. Okay, well, you can have your stick up here, like this, but then there's the interference you gotta think about.
1c-b(2)-b. Fairuza Interference hasn't been in any movies in forever. I hope she wasn't typecast as that racist lady in American History X.
1c-b(2)-b(i). Oh wait, she was in The Waterboy too! That would be even worse.
1c-b(2)-b(ii). "get in mah bellah" -- Adam Water, "The Waterboy." Haha, classic...
1c-b(3). Okay seriously though. An interference is when the skater makes a movement that, as determined by, when you do a move involving the goalie and the crease...
2) Do not do an interference please.

If you are the loud mouth cunt that sits in the last row

If you are the loud mouth cunt that sits in the last row of section 105 shut the fuck up. You never shut your god damn drunk whore mouth. From puck drop to the final horn you’re running your mouth at the loudest fucking volume. You have no idea how much I despise you and the random group of trash you bring with you each game. Your talking is so exhausting and nauseating I have to take breaks during the middle of the period just to get a break. You make the most enjoyable parts of the game the intermission, when you and your filth go suck down as many cancer sticks as your lungs can handle. You are ruining my season tickets. Fuck you. Every fucking game you are at.

Listen, I don’t know who you were or what crawled up your ass

Listen, I don't know who you were or what crawled up your ass and died, but holy fuck. For 60 minutes of hockey your ass unleashed hell on section 206. We coughed and gagged and made comments but you refused to relent. I came home and kissed my wife and she started gagging because your ass fumes embedded into my fucking hair and clothes. Jesus christ, who ever you are you are a disgusting human being. Go take a shit and stick an air freshener in your ass crack for the love of fuck. I'm taking a shower to wash away grossness and my clothes are in the wash. I'm physically ill from your filthy unwashed shit hole. Fuck.

Go blue jackets.

Crosby is so soft and quiet when I met him

Crosby is so soft and quiet when I met him, he always looks down, and when he smiles and his lip curls, I could feel his dreams. He is one of the greatest Canadians of our recent years and he still felt like a boy to me when I was close, loved that and Sidney Crosby made me really step back and realize the beauty of one person achieving greatness, becoming the darling of their nation, and still looking down while they smile like a sweet boy.


I'm thinking about children lately, and I guess it just got me.

To suggest that the Rangers aren’t the greatest sports organization of all time

To suggest that the Rangers aren’t the greatest sports organization of all time throughout history to a Rangers fan is analogous to something that falls between inquisition-era blasphemy and trying to convince someone from Chicago that deep dish isn’t the best kind of pizza. Regardless of all the statistics, regardless of all the losing seasons, regardless of the lack of banners that pepper the rafters of the Garden, Rangers fans are convinced at a wholesale level that every other team is irrelevant, and hockey would be nothing without the Rangers, because New York, because original six. Any type of rational discussion about hockey meets a hard stop with but we play at Madison Square Garden, the greatest stadium of all time, ever, which quickly devolves into an incoherent rambling of which only a few pieces of something remotely resembling English can be distilled: something something, 1994, something something, original six.

Have any of you ever been to Madison Square Garden? Excuse me, I mean The World Famous Madison Square Garden Brought to you by Chase Manhattan Bank, Goldman Sachs and JP Morgan. It SUCKS. Really, it’s not a good arena—it has history, but not enough history to eradicate the image etched into my brain of the 3 homeless guys I saw jerking off on the E line when I was on my way there. The halls are cramped and the seats aren’t comfortable, but they do have TVs strategically positioned around the seating for convenient viewing, you know, in case I want to watch the fucking telecast while I’m at the live game after paying $245 for mezzanine level seats. But that’s unfair of me—tickets are only $220 during games vs. the Western Conference.

There are two types of experiences you’ll have at MSG: the high brow, and the low brow. The low brow is experienced if you’re wearing a jersey of an opposing team (especially a rival): you’ll inevitably be heckled by some out-of-work 23 year old wearing a Brian Leetch sweater over Keystone Light stained cargo shorts, trying his damnedest to get his drunk, vacant, unintelligent eyes to focus on you for more than 3 seconds as he shovles a $16 NATHANS MSG WORLD FAMOUS hot dog into his mouth. I’m liberally applying the term ‘heckle’ there, by the way, because as I mentioned earlier, what comes out of the collective mouths of Rangers fans is closer to the vocal fumblings of early hominid cro magnons. The other experience, the high brow experience, is you pay $2000 to sit next to an investment banker who keeps checking his phone for Wimbeldon highlights. Don’t make eye contact with him, pleb. You’re a nobody.

The Freudian-level cognitive dissonance is structural; the television station that plays Rangers (and Devils, and Islanders) games is called MSG, and every April we experience the same rolling tradition: the Rangers are knocked out of the playoffs, Al Trautwig, Ron Dugauy and Bill Pidto find a way to deflect their disappointment and utter disbelief that THE New York Rangers didn’t win the cup again by attributing it to some extra-hockey force, like the refs, or bad ice, or “bad puck luck,” and quickly drown their emotions in a circlejerk of how great the 1994 team was as a pre-amble to the inevitable telecast of ROAD TO THE CUP: 1994. Something, something, this is Hugh Jessiman’s fault.

The worst part of all of it is the most hardcore Rangers fans I’ve encountered are kids who’ve moved from the midwest and adopted the Rags as their team to offset the embarrassment of only being able to afford an apartment in Crown Heights in their desperate attempt to convince their friends from home that they’re living the New York experience. Fuck off, and go back to Madison, WI.

The New York Rangers have been around since the dawn of time, yet have only managed to eek out 4 cups, 3 of which came during an era where there were only 5 other teams. The Islanders eclipsed that in four years; the Devils, the less attractive cousin from the sleazier side of the family, have managed 3 in just over 30 years. And we played in Continental Airlines Arena.

I hope their fans realize it’s fake

I hope their fans realize it's fake. It legitimately doesn't count. This series will only ever be 3-3 or a Boston winner. I honestly hope the Bruins raise a banner and claim the cup no matter what happens. More people will always recognize Boston as the true 2019 champions, mark my words.

Any blues fan that supports their team after this pathetic excuse for a game deserves to be banned for life. You can't call yourself a fan of hockey. If it comes to it I will personally call out anyone I see wearing Blues Champions gear. If you think this series has been fair then you're more hopeless than the flat earthers.

The Blues and any fans who still support them are the scum of the earth and don't deserve to ever win the cup. And they won't. Go Bruins.

I’m not gay, but I want to live in a log cabin in the woods

I'm not gay, but I want to live in a log cabin in the woods with Henrik Lundqvist. We won't ever have sex, but there will be a simmering erotic undercurrent as I stand in the kitchen window watching him clapping bombs, shirtless, sweat pouring off his body.

I'll run upstairs and masturbate, the entire time forcing myself to think of women while my thoughts drift back to Henrik. I won't be able to climax and I'll eventually go back downstairs, angry. Sometimes we will look across the table and catch each other's eyes, and in that second, anything is possible, but we both deny ourselves and go back to what we were doing.

One day one of us will die, and the other will bury him outside the log cabin. Then he'll go inside, pen a brief missive to his departed friend, and commit suicide, never able to deal with life without his one true platonic love

Thats fucking hockey right there

Thats fucking hockey right there. None of that pansy ass dick tugging smile for the camera bullshit. Men puke, men poop on the rink, men deliver their new born baby in the penalty box. Fucking hard core dick in the ass butterpuck hockey fuck it chuck it game time shit. Take it to the showers. Dicks get shoved in places you don’t even remember. We win together we celebrate together. Hockey is back baby.

Be Bruins fan in Boston

Be Bruins fan in Boston

Wake up in apartment after falling asleep on the couch.

Watched replay of the Pats Super Bowl win last night.

Game was incredibly boring, but a lot better than one of the Giants reruns.

“Fack that Eli Manning”

Hear neighbor through the wall “Fackin queeah”

Finish the 3/4 full warm Sam Adams you didn’t quite finish last night.

Might as well keep the party going the Bruins are playing tonight and you got tickets.

Just gotta watch The Departed before leaving.

“Hows ya motha hahaha”

Better start heading out.

Throw on Barstool Sports Bruins shirt.

Kiss framed picture of the 2011 Bruins 4th line before leaving.

Meet neighbor outside, also wearing a Barstool Bruins shirt.

“Wicked choice brudda”

Wait way too long for your transit, something about a fire.

Arrive downtown in a bad mood.

Random homeless guy is kneeling on the street asking for change.

Sucker punch him in the back of the head.

Immediately sprint to the biggest guy in a Bruins jersey you can find and hide behind him.

Biggest guy also starts throwing suckers.

“That’s whatcha get for messing wit tha broons”

Crowd applauds

Tell big guy that him punching that man was brave, almost as brave as Gregory Campbell blocking shots on the penalty kill with a broken leg in 2013.

Get inside the garden.

Warmups are going on.

Marchand is eyeing up the opposing team, deciding who he’ll lick or knee tonight.

Maybe he’ll do both.

“Guys hate him because he’s elite”

Debrusk suddenly throws his stick and gloves in the air, falls and stays laying down for the next 5 minutes.

Apparently a gentle breeze swept through the ice and caught him in the head.

After the huge injury, luckily Debrusk gets up threatening to fight the air.

Crowd goes wild.

“Fackin aih tryna be tough.”

Bruins bring out some sort of army veteran before the national anthem.

Remind person sitting next to you that while the troops are brave, no one is braver than Gregory Campbell blocking shots on the penalty kill with a broken leg in 2013.

Game starts

Tuuka Rask makes 5 massive saves in a row.

“Tuuuuuuuuk”

“Best goalie in dah league”

5 minutes later Rask lets in a goal he had no chance of stopping.

“Booooo”

“Thomas woulda had that”

Krug starts an unnecessary scrum in front of the net.

Gets lightly tapped and nearly sends his helmet into orbit.

“Yanno I hate seein guys beat up on the lil guys, pick on someone yah own size”

Chara beheads some 5’9 rookie 3 minutes later.

“That’s betta”

Some random fan is wearing a PK Subban, or Joel Ward, or Wayne Simmonds, or Seth Jones etc.. jersey.

Stand up and boo him.

Section applauds you.

Another fan comes up to you to say that your actions were brave, but nobody is braver than Gregory Campbell blocking shots on the penalty kill with a broken leg in 2013.

Game isn’t going well.

Eventually the Bruins end up losing the game but only because of the refs.

score was 6-1

Take transit home, again waiting because of a fire.

Get home.

Replay of the Red Sox championship is playing.

Might cheer you up on any other day, but too busy focusing on the Bruins loss tonight.

Somethings off about this team.

“Gettin pushed around out theah”

Neighbor yells through wall “fuck yah they ah”

Flashbacks of Blues knocking the Bruins around start to come back.

Get up off the couch.

Walk over to framed picture of the Bruins 2011 4th line.

Wonder where it all went wrong

“I’ll never get over you guys”

People forget that Nail Yakupov came to the NHL

People forget that Nail Yakupov came to the NHL and then scored a game tying goal in the 12th game of the season and did a 150 ft celebration and then just packed up his shit and went back to the Siberian premier league. You have to respect that.

We need way more Kevin “Fifi” Fiala

Aw yeah buddy we need way more Kevin “Fifi” Fiala up in this thread, all that animal does is rip shelfies buddy, pops bottles pops pussies so keep your finger on that lamp light limpdick cause the forecast is goals. Fuck your cookie jar and your water bottles, you better get quality rubbermaids bud cause she's gonna spend a lot of time hitting the fucking ice if Fifi has anything to say about it. Blistering Wristers or fat clappers, this fuckin guy can't be stopped. If I had a choice of one attack to use to kill Hitler I would choose a Kevin Fiala snipe from the top of the circle because you fucking know his evil dome would be bouncing off the end boards after that puck is loosed like lightning from the blade of God's own CCM. I'd just pick up the phone and call Kevin Fiala at 1-800-TOP-TITS where he can be found earning his living at the back of the goddamn net. The world record for a recorded sniper kill is 3,540m, but that's only because nobody has asked ya boi Fifi to rip any wristers at ISIS yet. If i had three wishes, the first would be to live forever, the second would be for Kevin Fiala to live forever, and the third would be for a trillion dollars so I could pay to watch ol Fifi Score top cheddar magic for all eternity.

We need way more Mike “Trevor” Hoffman

Original Reddit comment

Aw yeah buddy we need way more Mike "Trevor" Hoffman up in this thread, all that animal does is rip shelfies buddy, pops bottles pops pussies so keep your finger on that lamp light limpdick cause the forecast is goals.

Fuck your cookie jar and your water bottles, you better get quality rubbermaids bud cause she's gonna spend a lot of time hitting the fucking ice if Trevor has anything to say about it. Blistering Wristers or fat clappers, this fuckin guy can't be stopped.

If I had a choice of one attack to use to kill Hitler I would choose a Mike Hoffman snipe from the top of the circle because you fucking know his evil dome would be bouncing off the end boards after that puck is loosed like lightning from the blade of God's own CCM. I'd just pick up the phone and call Mike Hoffman at 1-800-TOP-TITS where he can be found earning his living at the back of the goddamn net. The world record for a recorded sniper kill is 3,540m, but that's only because nobody has asked ya boi Trev to rip any wristers at ISIS yet.

If I had three wishes, the first would be to live forever, the second would be for Mike Hoffman to live forever, and the third would be for a trillion dollars so I could pay to watch ol Trevor Score top cheddar magic for all eternity.

EDIT: Trevor is not his real middle name either people, he's called Trevor because Trevor Hoffman was damn near the greatest closer in baseball history and that's what Mike does he fuckin closes down games, rinks, and dreams with that sick snapshot of his.

Wayne Gretzky once said Mario Lemieux could snap a puck through a refrigerator door, but that ain't shit because Mike Hoffman could snap a puck through two full refrigerators and have it make him a fucking sammich inside the third one.

EDIT #2: All you salty sens haters I see you out here downvoting, you just salty cause you don't have a player that could shoot a puck past Playoff Patty Roy and Prime Dom Hasek at the same time - well that's a real shame but no worries, your salt will be washed away with the spring snows same as your tears as Mike Hoffman keeps serving up hot snipe specials in April. Learn to have fun cupcakes, I know it's tough to be fans of teams that play Big Dirty Hoffy but keep your chin up.

This guy is giving me all sorts of alfredo thoughts

Fuck this guy is giving me all sorts of alfredo thoughts i need this guy to fucking dangle some noodles in my fucking sauce more often shit im creaming.

The NHL’s expansion into the south and its consequences have been a disaster

The NHL's expansion into the south and its consequences have been a disaster for the hockey fan race. What was once a game built on tradition, sportsmanship and competition has now evolved into a circus act where organizations appeal to the lowest common denominator in the form of childish choreography, twitter wars, and roster moves worth millions of dollars that serve no purpose than to grab headlines.

Hockey is not made for the south, it's a game deeply rooted in northern culture where kids can spend the winter out in the wilderness slapping pucks around before tuning into Hockey Night in Canada and watching the Toronto Maple Leafs get fisted raw. What we have in the south is nothing short of a disgrace. Bible belt boomers whose only contact with the cold is the air conditioning of their mobility scooters have gripped our sport with an iron fist, uprooting our traditions and replacing them with free burgers when a player touches the puck and raising banners for going a week without someone in the crowd having a heart attack because of their diets consisting of honey butter biscuits and sweet tea.

The day hockey dies in the south is the day I gain my soul back

I’m sitting here in my Robertson jersey

I’m sitting here in my Robertson jersey, enjoying a plate of some cheddar cheese ignacios with pickled jalapeños. It’s a perfect lazy Saturday with another easy Stars victory. I’ll have to hit a Goodwill (Official sponsor of the Arizona Coyotes) after the game to buy some more hats. It’s become clear to me that Robo has transcended to a higher skill level than capable of any normal human being. There is an aura about him, like a glow. He’s probably half man, half incubus. As far as the GOAT debate in hockey goes, I might consider taking prime Gretzky but in reality Robertson would pull Gretzky’s pants down and spank his little bottom in 1v1 fisticuffs. He’s objectively better than every other player and if you combined them into one super player and multiplied their skill by infinity it’s still less than Jason Robertson so y’all can all suck my ass go stars fuck the avs

So, this guy, this effing guy

So, this guy, this effing guy, yeah, I know, I know. So, he was here day one, yeah. And I know you have been here since day fucking one. You guys are so amazing. We played Arizona in the first game, and we beat the shit out of them. And I had no points. No points. But that's ok, because that year one I was pretty fucking great. But you guys were greater. We've been on this journey... no no no... listen to me. We've been waiting for six long years for this guy to be MVP. Jonathan. Marchessault.

Kid might look like if Malfoy was a Hufflepuff

Kid might look like if Malfoy was a Hufflepuff but he plays like if Potter was a Slytherin the kids absolutely fucking nasty. If there was a fourth unforgiveable curse it would be called petterssaucious or some shit because this kids dishes are absolutely team killing, SHL, AHL, NHL it doesn't fucking matter 100 points to Pettersson because he's winning the House Cup, The Calder Cup, The Stanley Cup and whatever fucking cup is in Sweden. Game Over.

I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on the NHL

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in cap circumvention, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on the NHL, and I have 300 million over the cap.

I am trained in LTIR and I’m the top hip breaker in the entire Tampa Bay Area. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words.

You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of Russian forwards across the Bay and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can circumvent you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands.

Not only am I extensively trained in circumvention, but I have access to the entire arsenal of Bauer and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue.

But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit dollars over the cap all over you and you will drown in it.

You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

Can’t forget this certified bubble hockey classic

I mean. Bolts are 18 million over cap. If every team had 18 mil more to play with for the playoffs shit would he different. But yall sitting there talent stacked due to that 18. Bolts don’t deserve to be in the playoffs, cause they have a way unfair advantage over everyone else. That’s OK. Yall can keep your Covid cup with it’s Asterix. Yall win it again this year, it will just be another Asterix that says won the cup because they were 18 million over cap

Nothing against Connor McDavid

Nothing against Connor McDavid who deserves all the accolades he gets, but is there a more overrated stat in hockey than "points" ? Announcers spend more time talking about points totals than they do for the actual goal totals.

Sure, there are some sweet assists which overshadow the actual finishing shot on goal: some great skating & stick-handling, some killer passes... But at least half the assists which are credited towards the points total are just simple passes, one link in a chain, which don't warrant any further recognition. It's just padding by the statisticians. The great defensive work by a player 2,3,4 steps back which kick-started the scoring chain goes largely unrecognised.

I don't even know why they bother counting the assists for long-range slap shots, or even the assists for goals scored on power plays. It's just artificially inflating the stats for the players on the PP unit. It wasn't great play by them which led to the goal - they just did their job and moved the puck along - so why keep a record of it? They didn't find the net. They weren't involved in the scoring chance which led to the penalty in the first place.

Meaningless stat!

Sure, go ahead and downvote me you plebs :)

Let's all just agree with each other all the time and never go against the grain about anything.

That seals the deal. I am no longer an Capitals fan.

That seals the deal. I am no longer an Capitals fan. I’ve been a fan since 1974 and a season ticket holder since 1996. I officially will not be renewing my plan next season nor will I watch on tv ever again. I’m going to Boston where they know how to run a hockey team.