By u/Harrijson, its a shitpost on how banging the cursed chest from Dead Cells ruined his marriage.
I would say I'm pretty good at this game, but ever since I've aquired my fifth boss cell, I keep constantly dying in the prison depths or the corrupted prison, and it's driving me mad. In both these biomes I find a gauranteed cursed chest at the start trying to seduce me, but I won't bite, I've always just opened them and went on with my day. But the voices were getting louder.
I was exhausted. No matter how good I am at this game, it punished impatience more than it rewards skill. And I was very impatient. I've reached the 5 boss cell door twice and have even been to the final level, but I died there. Ever since I've been trying to get back, but no luck. My runs just got worse and worse, wich loops back into my impatience.
A month ago when I exited the sewers to go to the prison depths, I was met with the same cursed chest that I've seen countless of times. They always say the same lines. "Come on, HIT ME!", "Spank me daddy", "I'm a naughy chest that deserves to be punished". It never works. "I miss my wife" I said to the cursed chest. I didn't expect him to respond. "I miss her too" he said.
I live in Stilt Village and because I keep dying in the prison depths I haven't been home for months. No Nut November has taken a toll on me. My wife who also lives in Stilt Village (the doom bringer) has never visited me in the prisoners quarters. I haven't seen her in so long. I couldn't do this to her I couldn't, I know it's wrong, but the loneliness started to get to me. I couldn't help myself anymore.
"Kiss me cursed chest"
"I'm yours beheaded"
And then we kissed. This has been a regular occurrence for weeks. It got so out of hand that Motion Twin installed a door at the beginning of the level by the cursed chest because enemies kept complaining about seeing "unholy shit". But the developers only made it worse. I started to go to the prison depths without my outfit. I would strip naked by the collector before I went to the biome. "What the actual fuck", "You need public execution" he wasn't supportive at first. And he threatened to board up the passageway to the level. I promised him to bring 200+ cells every run in turn that he won't stand in between me and my secret love. He got used to it after a while.
One day, I finally had enough of suppressing the temptations. I didn't want to hold back anymore. I wanted to bang the cursed chest. And so I did. I banged the shit out of him.
"Beheaded, please put all your cells inside of me"
But when it was over, a bone chilling message appeared. "YOU HAVE DISGUSTED THE GODS". And the description send shivers down my spine. "WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. YOU KNOW THE GUY AT THE START IS WRITING THIS SHIT DOWN RIGHT? NAH FUCK THE CURSE SYSTEM I'M SMITING YOU FROM ABOVE" and so they did. I was killed instantly.
I only lost one cell. Not only that, but I received a letter from my wife that the inevitable end is somehow connect to me and the cursed chest. Things are forever akward now. I ruined my life, but you don't have to ruin yours. Don't let my failure be in vain, take this as a lesson to not cheat, it's never okay. Live to become the man or woman of someones dreams. If they ever ask you why your so amazing, link them this reddit post. They will understand it now. I wish good luck to everyone out there and never fall for any cursed chests.