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Storytime

Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.


Platinum Angel

    AKA the Platinum Angel or Standoff in Honolulu is a funny story of a kid and his Platinum Angel card in MTG fandom. The story started from The Magic Lampoon site but had since shut down though an archive of the page still exists.

    The big story of the Honolulu Pro Tour wasn’t Kazuya Mitamura’s $40,000 victory in the finals. The big story happened in the first round, where a young boy known only as Hans did something that is causing many to call him a hero.
    
    Hans’s game was looking unwinnable. He had a negative life total and was kept alive only by his Platinum Angel. His opponent had just cast a Molder Slug, threatening to remove the Angel — Hans’s only artifact — at the beginning of his next turn.
    
    But when it got to that next turn, Hans would say a word that would put the whole series of events in motion. A word that would send ripples throughout Magic history. A word that would cement Hans’s legendary status.
    
    Hans stared at his opponent and said, “No.”
    
    His opponent was taken aback. “Judge!” said the opponent. “He’s refusing to follow my Molder Slug’s triggered ability.”
    
    “Refusing?”
    
    “Refusing.”
    
    “Is this true, Hans?”
    
    Hans nodded.
    
    The judge said, “I have to issue you a game loss, Hans.”
    
    Hans pointed to his Platinum Angel. “I can’t lose the game,” he said. And with that, he proceeded to his draw step, undaunted by the judge’s ruling. Then he skimmed through his deck for marked cards and put those into his hand as well.
    
    “You’re violating multiple game rules,” said the judge, “in addition to ignoring my ruling, and I am issuing a game loss to you.”
    
    Hans, his finger still stuck to the Platinum Angel, like a modern day Little Dutch Boy with his finger plugging the leak in the dike, said, “You can issue all the game losses you want, but with my Platinum Angel in play, they have no effect.” Hans proceded to the attack phase and swung for 4 with his Angel. He then looked at his opponent’s face-down morphs, referred to outside notes, and substituted cards from his sideboard.
    
    The judge stood before him, flummoxed. Without saying a word, Hans merely looked at the judge while pointing to the Platinum Angel.
    
    It was when Hans cast a Demonic Attorney that the head judge was called over. “Ante cards are banned,” the head judge said. “That’s a complete violation of the rules.” But when he saw Hans’s Platinum Angel in play, he was quieted. He knew he was defeated.
    
    Hans said, “Since the Demonic Attorney’s in the game, we have to do what it says.” He proceeded to put the top card of his opponent’s deck into his trade binder.
    
    The head judge frowned in disapproval. “He’s right.”
    
    It was a matter of hours before Hans owned his opponent’s entire deck, as well many other cards from his opponent’s collection, thanks to a Mindslaver and Ring of Ma’rûf. Each time judges tried to issue Hans a game loss for casting cards without mana, or playing cards in his graveyard, Hans merely pointed to his Platinum Angel.
    
    The cards Hans didn’t want to take from his opponent he tore up, due to interactions involving Chaos Confetti, March of the Machines, and Cytoshape.
    
    Having by this time gathered quite a crowd, Hans produced a folded and wrinkled copy of the DCI Infraction Procedure Guide from his pocket and began skimming it for ideas. He noticed that kicking an opponent’s chair out from under them was listed under “Unsportsmanlike Conduct,” so he did just that. He also kicked the chairs out from under several other nearby players and spectators.
    
    The sun was starting to set. The judges had not even attempted to give Hans a game loss for stalling. One by one, they had hanged their heads and walked away, resigned to their powerlessness in the face of the Platinum Angel. Then one of them hatched a plan. “I know who we can call,” the judge exclaimed.
    
    The next morning, Hans was woken by a voice blaring across the room from a police loudspeaker. “Hans,” the voice said, “this is your mother. I love you. Please sacrifice your Platinum Angel to the Molder Slug’s triggered ability so this can all end.”
    
    Hans lifted his head, looked around the room, and kicked his opponent’s chair out from under him once more.
    
    “Hans,” his mother said, “we miss you. We just want you to come home.”
    
    Hans yawned, cast the Unglued card Handcuffs, and ordered his opponent to touch his hands together.
    
    It was Day Four of the standoff when another voice blared across the room. “Hans,” the voice said, “this is your fiancé. There are only two more days until our wedding, honey. Don’t you still want to get married? You have to end this game now, Hans. Please just sacrifice the Platinum Angel to the Molder Slug. We love you. We’re worried about you.”
    
    Hans’s mouth hung open, agape. A tear came to his eye. “Marcia,” he said. “I love you too.” He looked about him, seemingly aghast at what he had done. “I…” he paused. “I concede.”
    
    A flurry of applause burst through the room. Judges began high-fiving each other and giving Marcia hugs. “Unfortunately,” Hans said, “the concession has no effect since my Platinum Angel is still in play.”
    
    It was two weeks into the game when the military showed up. “Hans,” came a voice from a helicopter. “We have you surrounded. If you do not concede immediately, we will open fire.”
    
    Hans looked up at the helicopter, over at the tanks, and across the street at the snipers. He was still pointing to the Platinum Angel, as stoically as ever.
    
    To this day, a sleeved Platinum Angel remains embedded in Hans’s tombstone. Hans may have lost his life that day, but he never lost the game.

    Please cancel Forza Horizon

      Its a joke on what the locals have to go through when the Horizon Festival is happening in the Forza Horizon series.

      To Whom It May Concern at the Forza Horizon Event Office,
      
      I hope this letter finds you well—and preferably at a complete stop, with your parking brake engaged.
      
      I am a long-suffering resident of this once peaceful city that you all have decided to turn into your personal arcade racetrack. While I can appreciate the thrill of speed, loud engines, and seeing a Bugatti do donuts on my front lawn, I must politely ask: have you people completely lost your minds?
      
      Let me break down a very normal Tuesday morning in the life of a city resident during a Horizon Festival:
      
      • 7:00 AM: A Lamborghini flies past my house, airborne, I might add, after launching off a conveniently placed ramp (aka my neighbor’s garage).
      
      
      • 7:05 AM: Someone in a souped-up Subaru drifts around the roundabout. It’s not even a full circle anymore—just a “slightly curved suggestion.”
      
      
      • 7:15 AM: I try to leave for work. I’m immediately rear-ended by a Ford Bronco going 130 mph—driven by someone with the gamertag “xX-T0kyoSlideXx.”
      
      
      • 7:17 AM: The Bronco is now doing burnouts in my vegetable garden. My tomatoes are traumatized.
      
      I understand the Horizon Festival is “all about freedom and style,” but there are only so many times I can replace my mailbox before I begin mailing legal threats instead. And let’s talk noise pollution: every time I try to watch a movie, some maniac in a twin-turbo V12 decides it’s the perfect moment to set a new land speed record outside my window. Fast X has nothing on you people.
      
      Furthermore, my cat now lives under the couch permanently. She thinks the revving of engines is a sign of the end times.
      
      Therefore, I kindly request—no, beg—that you shut this chaos circus down, or at the very least relocate it to a nice, uninhabited wasteland like the moon. Or Florida.

      My friends told HBOX that I was sick, and he came to our hotel room

        Hungrybox or HBOX is one of the top ten Melee players in the world every year since formal rankings began in 2013.

        I had a similar experience with HBOX. He's always been my favorite player, so me and the boys traveled to Florida to go to a local he was supposed to be at. I ended up coming down with tonsillitis so I couldn't make it. OR SO I THOUGHT. My friends told HBOX that I was sick, and he came to our hotel room and face fucked all the tonsil stones out of my throat so I could make the local. My fucking GOAT. 

        PLEASE mark this NSFW!! (Chicken Jockey edition)

          Its the NSFW on a train copypasta but changed to Chicken Jockey reference from the Minecraft Movie.

          PLEASE mark this NSFW!!! I was at my house, just lazing around with a bag of smart corn (not sponsored) scrolling through Reddit when I encountered this image, I couldn't contain myself, I had to scream "CHICKEN JOCKEY" at the top of my lungs and start furiously emptying my popcorn onto everything around me while my family said things like "you're a disappointment" and "what the hell is wrong with you?". I dropped my phone in the commotion and now there's a whole house of people going ballistic and throwing food. All of this could have been prevented if you just put an NSFW tag on your post. 

          Parents kicked me out of the house for installing Linux

            So we are low middle class family, and we share a single computer between the entire household.
            
            Last evening my dad told me my mom is scheduled today for an online remote job interview. I love my mom, so I decided to reformat the computer and install Manjaro Linux to give her a bleeding edge workstation.
            
             
            
            But she didn't appreciate that. She turned on the computer 15 minutes before her interview and idk what to say... she overreacted a bit. She said she needed Microsoft Teams for the interview, so I explained that Linux is installed in most of the world's online servers, so it should be good enough for her.
            
            She wasn't listening, she asked if I made backups of her digital resume. I said no and then she cried.
            
            So I squeezed her shoulders and told her that it's ok, because the most popular mobile OS is Linux (It's android btw).
            
             
            
            She kept saying things like "how is that relevant" and "...my usecase", but I've had enough so I grabbed her by the legs and spun her around.
            
            "LINUX..." I said as I spun her
            
            "...RUNS..."
            
            *spin *spin *spin
            
            "...95 PERCENT..."
            
            *spin *spin *spin
            
            "...OF THE WORLD'S SERVERS"
            
            I let go of her legs and she flew across the house.
            
             
            
            I galloped towards her and I tied her up
            
            "SYSTEM ADMINS PREFER LINUX, THAT MEANS YOU SHOULD USE IT TOO" I calmly explained as I tightened the knots.
            
            Then my dad came into the room and tried to separate us.
            
            "You need to leave" he told me.
            
            "You don't understand," I argued. "Linux runs the world's internet infrastructure. And that's relevant because... because... because it just is, ok?!"
            
            "We've taken care of you for 34 years" My dad replied, "it's time you grow up".
            
             
            
            So now I'm packing my things, all because my close minded parents aren't willing to learn Linux, (fun fact: it's the number one operating system preferred by system admins)

            POV: You’re playing against the biggest idiot on Earth

              Least insane Clash Royale player shares his POV when playing against you on Reddit.

              GOBLIN BARREL ON THE TOWER RIGHT AT THE START! Haha, you weren't expecting that, were you? I'm so good at this game. I've thrown so many goblin barrels, and they always do damage. It's crazy. Now, THINK FAST, CHUCKLENUTS! Princess at your bridge! Haha, what are you going to do? Oh, arrows? Good thing I have GOBLIN GANG! Oh, you used a swarm card? Cool, here's my Firecracker. Oh, where are your arrows? You wasted them! Haha! I guess you can't use air cards now. Hey, guess what? Valkyrie! Yaaaaaayyyyy! Then, watch this cool trick I learned on Youtube: I put the Hog Rider behind her, so he pushes her really fast, and counters any swarms you might use to kill the Hog Rider! Yaaaaaaaayyy!!!! isn't that cool? I bet you can't counter that! Hey, look at this cool emote I just bought where the princess yawns at you! Isn't that funny? I only use that one when I do something really skillful. Hold on, let me cycle through these skeletons and this ice spirit so I can use the exact same cards in the exact same order in the exact same spots, again Yaaaaaaaayyyy!!! Mommy says I'm special! She makes me eat these funny candies, but I just spit them out cuz they taste yucky. 
              I win against these "people" all the time, and I never enjoy a single second. They follow a routine, and I follow my routine. Then, I win. I make logbait "players" ragequit all the time once they realize I can still counter their spam cards without my log or arrows. I do this crazy thing where I deploy troops that can actually survive and counter things. I have this crazy skill called "defense" where I can actually react to my opponent, instead of turning my brain off, spamming the same stuff nonstop, and forcing someone else to think for me.