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Storytime

Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.


I spanked a Muslim with bacon

    Well, I was shopping in Walmart the other day, (with the intent of buying all of their guns, bacon and American flags) when I spotted a Mooslem running frantically up and down through the aisles, and his name was Abdul-Mohammed-Jamal-Jabar-Steve-Jabar-Omar-Abdul. I was certain at any moment he would yell 'Allah Akbar'. Thankfully, my shopping cart was full of bacon (which as you all know, is Mooslem kryptonite). So I straightened my MAGA hat and pulled up my Confederate flag britches and grabbed a pack of bacon from my cart. I took that Mooslem over my knee and spanked his ass with the bacon while screaming 'Liberalism is a mental disorder!' over and over. Then, by the power of the bacon, Abdul-Mohammed-Jamal-Jabar-Steve-Jabar-Omar-Abdul instantly converted to Christianity and registered as a Republican. Trump showed up and awarded me the Medal of Honor because I probably stopped the next 9/11.

    I saw Donald Trump at a grocery store in D.C. yesterday.

      I saw Donald Trump at a grocery store in D.C yesterday.
      
      I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything.
      
      He said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?” I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying.
      
      The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter.
      
      When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly.
      
      After paying for the Milky Ways he proceeded to leave the store and throw all of them in the garbage. Haven't seen him since.

      Fucking gunshots interrupted my masturbation

        Fucking gunshots interrupted my masturbation.
        
        So there I was. Under my bedsheets comfortable and I had some 3.9 star hentai on and then suddenly, I just hear 6 shots.
        
        Now, at first I just thought they were fireworks because its nearing the fourth of July. So I just kept on wanking but as soon as I was near the end if my session, I hear 3 more REALLY loud shots causing my erection to dissapear.
        
        Now, at this point I was just pissed off because some random guy just happened to launch fireworks mid-nut. So I look out my window and see some dude runnin with a gun in his hand and another man running away from him.
        
        Needless to say, I noped my ass back to bed and am trying to get another erection.
        
        TLDR; Fucking guns ruined my hentai

        Pokimane and you are having a little chat in your mansion

          “Aha, Bartholemew, I had no idea you were so strong,” Pokimane teases, rubbing your bicep. You blush, and nervously smirk. “Well, what can I say? I’m just such a gym-head.” She laughs, offering a tantalizing look, her cerulean eyes contrasting sharply with the dim lighting of the largest bedroom in your mansion. “Well, I’ve always liked a real man,” she replies with a seductive smugness tinted with a sarcastic edge. It was as if she was saying: “God, I know I shouldn’t go through with this...but my body disagrees. Goddammit, Imane...” You start stroking her hips vertically, the tension now so palpable you could cut it with your abs. You near her ears and lick your lips. “You know what I like most about you, Ms. Anys?” Her heart rate surges, and her knees immediately tremble. She loved when you called her that: it gave her this sense of power-a sense of power she desperately wanted you to take from her. “Yeah, what is that Matthew?” she inquires shaking in pure delight, barely able to form a sentence. You grip her hips with your manly hands. She’s desperate to disguise her true feelings, but you both know that deep down, she’s undergoing nothing but pure euphoria. Every inch of her body is willing to give in to you, no matter how much she wants to hide it with her above-it-all pompoussness. “I like that you’re such a risk-taker,” you finish with a sensual peck on her hear. Oh my God. “I can’t do this to Hasan,” Poki’s conscious desperately tries to convince her-but a woman’s urges are a woman’s urges. And these urges are far more powerful than any sense of moral righteousness that she may desire. You start scratching at the jeans wrapped tightly wrapped around her thick, voluptuous right thigh. “This is happening, right here, right now!” you order, as your other hand starts unbuttoning her top without resistance. “Oh y-yes, daddy!” she responds, with a girlish stutter. “Yeah, something’s starting alright!” you hear a booming Turkish voice respond. Before you can turn your head, Hasan Piker beats the shit out of you, picks up Poki, and then spits on you. “Oh my God, Hasan, I’m so sorry!” He smirks. “Don’t worry about it, baby,” he said. “But I’m surprised you almost went through it-that guy was a fucking libertarian.” She couldn’t believe it. Oh my God, seriously?” she replies with disgust. “Yeah, and you know what we do to lib-“ before he could finish Pokimane drags your unconscious body to her front yard and runs you over with her ford carrola. “So much for the tolerant left,” you think, before it all blacks out.

          Wore a mask at Target today

            I wore a mask at Target today. Three of my lungs collapsed as I got carbon monoxide poisoning from breathing in my own bacteria. A brave patriot wearing an Affliction shirt, a MAGA hat, and sweet wrap around sunglasses saved me by giving me CPR. I thanked him and asked if he was a doctor and he said "who needs doctors when we have our fellow Americans, the ones who are here legally I mean." I hugged him and threw my mask on the ground. The Star Spangled Banner played on the speaker system as everyone in the store ripped off their masks and threw them on the ground, chanting "down with communism!" God, Jesus, and all the angels looked down upon us from Heaven and clapped.

            My little brother fucking died

              3 .50 Cal AE at the back of his skull. Little shit fucking deserved it. I didn't feel shit when I pulled the trigger, but as soon as his dead body dropped on the floor, I was fucking ecstatic. Ever since he was three, he's been getting away with shit that I would have been kicked out of the house for, like drawing shitty doodles on my room's door or cut of the electricity for the entire house except his room. I always knew he was going to turn out a sociopathic, spoiled, little brat. Hell, he already was by the age of three. I would write this on my journal, but I want all of you to know that I did nothing wrong whenever you see the report of my brother's murder on Fox, CNN or whatever.
              
              Years of being ignored by my parents in favor of that little shit has broken me mentally. Truth be told, I was terrified of him. Not only that, I was terrified of my own sanity. Everyone else seemed to think he was such an angel who 'pulled little pranks on people'. He would always defend his actions by refering to his age. "Im onwy twee", "Im onwy fow" "Im onwy fwife". Shit went on and on for years. I couldn't take it anymore.
              
              Right now I'm fleeing the town of Plainview. I'm hiding in the forest, but I'll have to move soon before local law enforcement tracks me down. Maybe I'll take one of them down and boost his car. After that, I don't know where I'll go. I could go South to Texas, New Mexico or Tenessee. Canada and Mexico are off limits, borders are too risky, besides, I left my passport. Definately not staying anywhere near New England though. Only sad thing about this is I won't ever get to see my friend Rowley ever again. Eh, I didn't really like him anyway.
              
              If you are reading this from hell, fuck you Manny.
              
              -Greg Heffley