Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.
Long story short i got a part of my foreskin ripped off. Not much but enough. Currently in the ER.
Now long story: I was bored and couldn’t find a game to play and i was naked. So i walked up to the PS5 and did a mini squat, stretched my foreskin till about 5cm and put it in the disc drive.
At first it started sucking the disc (dick haha) for a few seconds and then it stopped briefly. I stood there and looked into my tv with great shame for those few seconds. Then the console beeped once and proceeded to suck in the bottom of my foreskin and it had torn it off. A little piece but enough to start the bleeding.
Now i’m currently in the ER getting my foreskin fixed, the culprit PS5 is still at home and i haven’t pressed charges. Never really told the doctors the truth either.
TL;DR: i got a part of my foreskin ripped off by a rather aggressive playstation. Currently in the ER.
Ending my Christian friendship.
I’ve been friends with this guy we’ll call John since I was five and knew he was Christian since the 8th grade. When I found out I was shocked considering he is one of the smartest people I know, and the fact that he could fall for this kind of bullshit is surprising, but I managed to put that aside, until a few months ago.
We had been roommates for 2 and a half years up until that point and we split the rent. In January i caught covid and he prayed that I would be ok. I got so upset at the fact that he thought his pointless sitting on the ground and putting his hands together like he’s Tim Cook doing an apple presentation was going to do anything. After only two days of his nonsense I walked straight up to him and yelled at him to stop. He told me that it is what he believed and he thinks it would rush my recovery. I told him about how he should believe in science. He said he does but also thinks he is helping. After that I just stormed off into my room and started to feel our friendship falling apart.
I was able to get better (WITHOUT the help of his praying) but unfortunately came down with the flu from his Christian girlfriend (i thought sex was illegal until marriage, guess they’re all hypocrites) who pretended to be very apologetic about it. I sneeze really badly when I have the flu and nothing was different this time. John would keep saying “bLeSs YoU” every time I sneezed. When I asked him to stop he told me it’s a habit but he would try to stop. At this point I had had enough of his tomfoolery. I said for him to take three quarters of the rent or I’m leaving and cutting ties with him. He says he can’t pay to live anywhere else since he lost his job and his savings only cover a few more months at our place which is one of the cheapest places in the city to live in (maybe he should pray to have that fixed for him).
As it turns out I’m also eating into my savings too much now but I don’t care. I finally left that idiot who thinks he can be in med school and still be Christian. It’s been a few months now and I think I made the right decision. I’m so glad I got out of that toxic relationship. I’m sure I’m not the only one suffering so I encourage anyone and everyone to do the same. Dm me if you need help.
TL;DR: Don’t have religious friends
Recently, I’ve been wondering if I might be a gay. It all started a week ago. I was sitting on the toilet, pooping, when all of a sudden, a big shit turd comes out of my ass. It was huge. Big big. It’s so fucking big, I gotta look down into the toilet to check for blood. No blood, but the turd is fucking massive. I notice something strange about it. The end of the turd, sticking out of the water, looks like a dick head. A penis head. Needless to say, I was concerned. How could this be? I picked it up from the water, and put it back up my ass. To my surprise, it felt good. I then shit it back into the water. Splash. I then repeated this a few more times, moaning out “Oscar Winning actor Anthony Hopkins” each time. I am not sure if I am now gay. My boyfriend says it’s completely normal, but he’s gay, so I can’t trust him.
I finally did it. I out-pizza'd the Hut. It was the greatest mistake of my life.
After years of perfecting my recipe, I made my way down to the local hut, fresh-baked pizza pie in hand. "Try this," I told the kid working the counter. He did, and he had to agree that it was better than anything Pizza Hut had to offer. Soon, the entire store, customers included, was feasting on my delicious pie. The manager walked over, grabbed a slice, and took a bite. I look at him, anticipation rising. This was the boss, the local fief lord of the Hut. His approval meant more to me than all the rest combined. He took a bite and nodded. "I'll be damned," he said, "you really did it. You out-pizza'd the Hut. Shame." Shame? What did he mean by tha- the manager pulled a gun out from behind his apron and shot the nearest customer in the head. "We have a Code Jalapeño," he said into his wrist as he executed the remaining customers. "I repeat, we have a Code Jalapeño." The ground was slick with blood. The kid working the counter choked out his dying breath as the manager turned to me. "You just had to do it motherfucker. You just had to out-pizza the Hut." He shoved the gun in my face. I was too scared to fight, too scared to run. The manager pulled the trigger.
A click. The gun was empty. I threw a chair at the manager and scrambled out of the Pizza Hut, not even bothering to see if my missile hit its mark. I was closely pursued by the manager, who had gotten his hands on a deadly sharp pizza cutter. I suspected in his hands it would cut more than pizza. Somehow, I was able to get into my car and speed off, the manager cursing my existence as I left him behind. I took a deep breath. The manager was clearly psychotic. Yes, that was it, just a crazy man with a gun. It had to be. My phone rang. Sister. I picked it. "They're dead, she sobbed. They're all dead. M-mom, dad, Chris, Bill. Dead. They killed them all." I could barely understand her, so great were her sobs. "What do you mean? Where are you?" I asked urgently. "How is this possi-" a single gunshot sounded through my phone's speakers. Silence. Then, I heard a man's voice. "No one out-pizzas the Hut." He hung up. I drove down the empty county road, mind blank. I had nothing. They killed my family. I was alone.
At that moment I knew what I had to do. They took everything from me. Well then, I would take everything from them. Pizza Hut was so terrified of being out-pizza'd, they forgot there's one thing worse than a man with a recipe: A man with nothing to lose. I'll give them a limited time offer they won't be able to refuse: two bullets for the price of one.
With a free side order of pain.
For you console gamers, you probably already know how this could have happened. For you non-console gamers, here's some context: Certain actions and environmental effects inside a video game can cause the controller to vibrate, so the bigger the sound the more vibration. So, here's what happened:
I was doing some late night gaming on my Xbox, playing some Halo. My girlfriend has already kissed me goodnight as she said she was going to sleep. Now in Halo, there are certain weapons you can charge up to fire, which causes the Xbox controller to vibrate like crazy. As I played through the night, an idea popped in my head as I felt the shaking controller. Vibrators make girls orgasm really easy, right? Well, could I just use a controller instead? Just prop one of the sides against her pussy? So, that's what I decided to do.
I left the Xbox on Halo with me charging up a plasma pistol as I crept into our bedroom, vibrating controller in hand. My girlfriend was fast asleep. Slowly but delicately, I pulled the covers off the bed, then her pajamas, and rested one arm of the Xbox controller on her pussy. 10 seconds in I could feel her thighs twitching and jolting subconsciously with pleasure. With one final swing of her waist, I felt her cum, which immediately shot her awake. "What the fuck are you doing," she said. Then she saw the controller.
She won't let me have sex with her for another month. Achievement Unlocked: SeXbox Controller.
Edit 1: Thanks for the Gold Kind Stranger
Edit 2: For those of you calling this Rape it’s okay because it was done on National Rape Day
Edit 3: Who the fuck believed this enough to contact RedditCareResources
Edit 4: Holy crap the amount of libtards this attracted... eat shit guys it’s a joke
I thought it would be nice to nut before i slept and before my sleeping pill kicked in and my room was dark so I figured why close the blinds.
I was lubing up my cock with silicone lube, felt really good and got my cock really hard and was enjoying what I was watching.
Next thing I realized, I wake up at 11am, dick in hand with lube, lube spilled all over my body and sheets and porn still playing and the neighbors can clearly see what happened.
I live in an apartment area, and at the first floor so everybody next door saw everything. The neighbor right in front of me was having lunch and raised his glass to say cheers to me and smiled.
Advice: cover all your bases before jerking off, and don't jerk under the influence.
