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Storytime

Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.


There’s no more cum left on Earth.

    Only the cumbender can save society then
    Open
    You're lying down in your bed, bringing you hands to your mouth once more to lubricate your penis. You've been masturbating for one hour now, yet you still haven't came and your penis is beginning to absorb your saliva, becoming a sticky, burning hot rod. Furiously, you begin to accelerate your masturbation rapidly. By two hours, your cock is burning in pain yet there is not a single drop of cum - not even precum.
    
    Meanwhile, next door, a girl is masturbating too, on stream, but they can't reach orgasm. In desperation, the girl has resorted to using multiple dildos inside her pussy, but even that is no use. The girl then makes a makeshift sex machine from a dildo and an electric power tool - once again, this is futile. She punches her pillow in defeat.
    
    By three hours, you've given up trying to cum and gone downstairs to watch more anime. However, upon seeing an anime girl fall over and have a panty shot, you feel the need to cum again. Biting your arm to lead the the pain away from your penis, you rapidly masturbate. By four hours, you're screaming as your rough masturbation soon rips the skin cells off your dick. Your cock is now a burning red giant, but there is no cum left - any precum that was there has evaporated.
    
    Meanwhile, the girl screams too - not because of finally reaching orgasm, but because they've gone so long without one that they've resorted to anything. Rapidly pushing the small cactus in and outside of herself, the girl's toe curl on bed sheets as blood flows out from her vaginal entrance. body spasming in pain - but still, she does not orgasm. The world is getting even more desperate.
    
    Suddenly, you get a discord notification from a friend, saying they've been trying to cum to Dream x George fanfiction, but they've ended up making their cock a, quote, "burning red giant." Your eyes open in shock horror - it can't be, can it? You rush to the television to ask your waifu how to resolve this mystery when you find that the TV has replaced the anime with an emergency government announcement - there's a new disease preventing orgasms... and its contagious. You feel as if you're about to faint, quickly looking up if there's a cure - there is none. You screech in anger, knowing that your waifu will never love you if you can't pour semen all over a shitty print out of her.
    
    Meanwhile, the girl cries, double fisting her bleeding self as she shrieks in rage, desperate to orgasm. What on Earth can a female do in life if they cannot orgasm? The girl is realising her chatterbate viewers are going down - she needs this orgasm. Realising that there is no hope, she illogically becomes even more desperate, suddenly barging into her brother's room, who is lying naked on the floor, dick ripped off next to a knife; the disease has claimed its first victim. She shoves the dick in her pussy, crying as the lactic acid burns her arm as she rapidly accelerates her brother's dethatched cock in and out, but it's no use: she has the disease.
    
    Suddenly, both of them stop. There's a large siren and a warning appears on the televisions of every house in the world, "There is no more cum." The world quickly devolves and you hear a car crash into your house. Out of nowhere, a man grabs you by the neck, desperately shoving his cock in your ass in the need of cum, raping you. Yet, it's no use - the man has the disease, and so do you. Luckily, there's a gun to the side and you manage to pry the discord moderator off, before killing him.
    
    Given a few weeks, society practically doesn't exist - it's like the apocalypse. Crime rates have skyrocketed as people loot dildo shops. The hospitals are beginning to crumble as more and more women show up with more and more exotic accidents. Meanwhile men are being completely taken over by their horniness: a female reporter is stood outside, reporting where the disease was first reported, and you feel the urge. You and the cameraman both turn on her trust, stripping her down and savagely pummelling her, but it's not use - you can not cum. The woman shouts, enraged too, for she can not orgasm either. Children in high school are to scared to go outside and you don't blame them, knowing what sickening lows you may succumb too once this disease truly takes control. Other children, who had already been on discord and thus knew about sex thanks to the moderators, have began spiralling into madness too - high schools have become orgies, with devastating costs to the countries IQ, you think.
    
    Eighty years pass and the human population plummets. Listening to Prokofiev's "Death of Tybalt" in your asylum room, you attempt to masturbate one more time. Unbeknownst to you, your the last human on the planet. Entire families have killed each other, each one raping the others corpse, foolishly believing from online sources that necrophilia was the cure. Men and women have killed themselves in spectacular accidents, dying in human crushes as hundreds of orgy-goers suffocate naked. Young teenagers have formed sex cults, praying to bizarre dank memes whilst furiously fucking each other in the hope that somehow, a fucking meme removes the symptoms of a disease. Like you thought, the IQ of the general population has lowered. However, you know better, you know there's no cure so you separated yourself from the idiots, hiding away in this asylum with a few staff who have recently died too... And you still can't cum. Wailing in sadness, you scratch and tear at your cock, wishing it to hell. Eventually, with enough force, you rip your sexual organ clean off and force it into your metal handcuffs.
    
    "What's this?" You think - it worked. The handcuffs are unlocked. You look outside to the asylum balcony. You can finally escape this petty world. "How men and women have fallen so far." You think, "To go from civil creatures to savage beasts, killing and raping everything in their path." You shake your head, thinking of the NatGeoWild documentaries you used to watch about savage apes. With a curse to the sky, the disease claims it's last life as the host throws itself off the balcony. Human life is gone and now, the disease has become animal born too. A few thousand years pass and there are no complex life forms at all...
    
    There's no more cum left on Earth.

    HELP. I UNCONTROLLABLY CUM WHENEVER I SEE A SMILY FACE.

      Smiley face do be making me feel weird underneath
      HELP!
      
      I (26M) was goin' to the bathroom at taco bell, as I normally do. as i reached into my big sweaty obese gaping asshole to grab my big fat squishy shits in order to shove them into the urinal, i noticed a cute lil' drawing on the stall. waddling my 300lb body over to get a better look, i realized what was drawn on the stall, a smiley face. i was immediately reminded of my lord and savior, daddy dream.
      
      i let out a roaring moan, shattering all the glass in the area, instantly letting everyone in that taco bell know of my presence. i ripped my clothes off, tugged on my dick, and started letting all of my body fluids drain out on the floor. sweat, pee, cum, shit, blood, organs, you name it, all flowing from my teeny weeny peenie hole. however, amidst my raging passion for dream, i hadn't realized what i had done! alas, everyone in that unisex bathroom stared at me in fear. men, women, children, all traumatized by the unholy sight ive forced apon their eyes.
      
      crying, i leaped out of a broken window, letting the glass scrape my unclothed flabs of stomach. i bolted into my car, but not before the police found me. with no time to think, i ran over 5 officers, an orphan, and a pregnant woman with my sexy prius. i managed to escape, but at what cost?
      I am currently living in the middle of nowhere. i will never talk to my family or my friends again. yesterday i ate a grilled rat for breakfast. i'm in constant fear of the police finding me, and i can only pray to dream that i'll be alright.
      
      anyone else having this problem?

      I caught my brother jacking off to FNaF

        Help! Mangle is making me feel weird inside
        I came home from work the other day and heard a rocking sound coming from upstairs. I shouted, "Hello, hello hello?" from the bottom of the stairs but no one responded. So, I decided to my brother's door after knocking and, it turns out, my brother couldn't hear me because he was wearing headphones. That is when I looked down and noticed he was masturbating to fucking mangle from FNaF 2.
        
        I don't fucking get it, why fucking mangle? Out of all the animatronics in that shithole would you chose mangle. Why not Chica - the animatronic literally has tits - why would you chose a fucking ripped up, scrap to masturbate to - it is literally called "mangle" i.e. to be mangled.
        
        The worst part about it is that my brother is only fourteen, but already has a larger cock than my boyfriend (my brother looks about 8.5/8.6 inches, my boyfriend is only 6.9/7 inches) and so now I can't help but fantasise about my brother.
        
        I hate my life.
        
        
        Edit: You all wanted the link to my brother's porn - here you go: https://www.luscious.net/albums/mangle-fnaf_350166/

        Destroyed someone in an argument

          This is satire for sure, but on r/atheism you never know.
          Destroyed someone in an argument
          
          We were in a zoom and I noticed someone with a cross on their necklace. I told him "take that off you're just supporting an imaginary man" and lmao he couldn't even come up with a good argument he just responded "You don't believe him and I respect that but I do believe in him" I just replied with "I don't believe in him because I do not bother myself with such dumb things". I almost revealed my true intelligence and absolutely destroy him but the teacher kicked me out because she's a snowflake too.

          I came out as Dreamgender to my class today

            Dream is an American YouTuber known primarily for Minecraft content and speedrun videos.
            I woke up in the morning at 7am and immediately went to wake up my parents. I explained to them how I'm dreamgender and dreamsexual but they didnt even know who dream is, boomers. I had to explain to them its a sexy minecraft youtuber and how Im connected to him emotionally and sexually. They didnt get mad at all (yay!) they just stared at me with a blank expression. I think theyre proud of me but just dont know what to think of it yet since it came as such as shock to them. I tried to show them a video of dream but they werent really interested and told me to go to school.
            
            in school the first class was english so I told the teacher that I had an important announcement that I would like to tell to the entire class. Yesterday I prepared a short powerpoint presentation on dreamgenders and dreamsexuals to make them better understand. I explained how dream is really hot and how I feel a deep connection to dream and how he is my soulmate and my identity. The teacher was so amazed I guess she didnt know what to say haha she looked like she was smiling.
            
            When I finished explaining why dream is hot and awesome, I started clapping expecting everyone else to do the same, but they didnt. My best friend didnt clap either which was really weird but maybe he was also surprised since I hadnt told him either. my teacher ended up being the only one clapping, so Im really thankful to her. I thought they didnt get it so I tried to explain in simpler terms that I love dream and how I am dream.
            
            Some girls were giggling the entire time so I called them out on it saying they shouldnt be laughing when I have prepared for this moment for so long. Then they started saying really dreamphobic things like saying its stupid and makes no sense. I explained to them why its homophobic and close minded but they didnt listen. Then some guy called me a stupid fucking nerd which made my blood boil. I challenged him to a duel in minecraft which he didnt even respond to and his friends were just laughing. Everyone else was silent I thought that they secretly supported me but just didnt want to face the same oppression dreamgenders and dreamsexuals have to face every day.
            
            Then the teacher told me to get back to my seat and started the lesson like nothing happened. I told her I wanted to show the class a compilation of minecraft manhunt best moments but she didnt let me do it. After the class a bunch of my classmates came to me and asked if I was joking or what and I tried to explain it to them but they were just making fun of me and saying Im weird and a creep. it was awful. I was bullied a bit before but now nobody wanted to talk to me the entire day even when I tried to show my ''friends'' (not friends anymore, theyre nazis apparently) some dream videos and discussed minecraft speedrunning they didnt respond at all.
            
            I've been crying the entire day because I cant believe the people I thought were cool were dreamphobes/racists/nazis as well. 😭😭😭😭😭 its honestly really crushing how people are still like this in 2021. now Im starting to realize I dont need those kinds of toxic people in my life and the only person I truly need is Dream. Dream is my boyfriend, my gender, my sexuality, my identity and my best friend all at once, why would I need anyone else?

            TIFU by putting my foreskin in the PS5 disc drive.

              Redditor in a nutshell
              Long story short i got a part of my foreskin ripped off. Not much but enough. Currently in the ER.
              
              Now long story: I was bored and couldn’t find a game to play and i was naked. So i walked up to the PS5 and did a mini squat, stretched my foreskin till about 5cm and put it in the disc drive.
              
              At first it started sucking the disc (dick haha) for a few seconds and then it stopped briefly. I stood there and looked into my tv with great shame for those few seconds. Then the console beeped once and proceeded to suck in the bottom of my foreskin and it had torn it off. A little piece but enough to start the bleeding.
              
              Now i’m currently in the ER getting my foreskin fixed, the culprit PS5 is still at home and i haven’t pressed charges. Never really told the doctors the truth either.
              
              TL;DR: i got a part of my foreskin ripped off by a rather aggressive playstation. Currently in the ER.