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Storytime

Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.



TIFU: Losing my Virginity to a Water Slide

    Moral of the story: Keep your damn legs crossed on waterslides.
    So do you guys know those waterslides that you stand in, and then they suddenly drop you straight down onto the water slide? If not, look them up on YouTube, there's nothing like them.
    
    Ah yes, the sweet memories of my first time on one of these. I feel that my mental/emotional scars have healed enough to tell this gem.
    
    At the time my girlfriend, now Fiancée, worked as a photographer for one of those resorts with the indoor and outdoor water parks. One of her perks was that her and a family member/friend could get into the waterpark for free, so one hot summer day she had off and we both decided it'd be fun to go there and cool down for the day.
    
    While we were there, I discovered one of there most "Thrilling" looking waterslides. Basically you stand in this tube, and then the slide operator presses a button and this slide drops you straight down a good 90 FEET, before you actually start going down the water slide. Me, being a thrill seeker, of course had to try it. So I made the great climb up to the top of the slide, stood in line, and finally it was my turn. Once I got in the tube, the operator told me to keep my legs crossed. Now I'm a pretty big heavy guy, so I was like "That's uncomfortable as fuck, I'm not doing that". So there I was standing in the tube, having a panic attack from anticipation, with my legs not crossed. The operator finally presses the button, the bottom opens and I fall straight down the water slide. Very quickly I realized why they have you cross your legs. Water shot so far up my ass, so fast, I swear I tasted it in my mouth. My body raced down that slide, as I questioned every life choice that I have ever made.
    
    Once I made it to the bottom, I sat there for a moment, absolutely violated. I felt like someone in an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. I built up the courage to finally stand up, and all I could feel was the nice warm stream of water mixed with shit, and maybe a little bit of blood shoot out of my ass faster than the Steamboat Geyser at Yellowstone National Park. I quickly got off the slide and ran to the bathroom, with a trail of shitty water tailing me as the slide operator stared in awe. They had to shut down the slide for the rest of the day :'), but man was my asshole clean after that!
    
    Moral of the story: Keep your damn legs crossed on waterslides.

    The US is a 3rd world country

      NTA your mother's basement your rules
      Sitting in his bedroom of his parents white suburban home, "The US is a 3rd world country" he typed on a computer his parents bought, the comment sent using the internet his parents pay for while his mom was cooking him chicken tendies.
      
      his mom walks in, disgusted
      
      “Gerald please, you’re 26 years old. When are you going to find a job, or a girlfriend, or anyone to talk to that isn’t online?”
      
      “shut up mom im starting a political revolution!!!” he cries out.

      Story time 🕛🕛 sisters 💁‍♀️💁‍♀️

        "i read the korean" lmao
        Story time 🕛🕛 sisters 💁‍♀️💁‍♀️so basically I was in class listening to billie eilish ❤️❤️and my headphones got unplugged 😩😩 and it played bad guy out loud 🔊🔊so anyway it was playing out loud and all the girls 👭 👭 were completely vibing to it💏💏 and they were like slayyyyy🔪🔪sisterrr☠️☠️and i was gonna say something back when a boy🤮🤮approached me and said🗣️🗣️ "uh billie eilish is so cringe why don't you listed to xxtentacion?" 🧐🧐 and i was SHOOK 😳😳and completely flipped the F OUT 🤬🤬 i said "you dumb ignorant MALE billie liter ally saved my life 🙏🙏 i was cutting myself for my DEPRESSION since daddy didn't get me tickets to coachella👴👴 and a pentagram ⛧ formed on the ground and billie rose up from it🧖‍♀️🧖‍♀️ and she said "put your faith in allah for he is the most merciful 💣💣" and then she left and i was so inspired that i read the korean promised to slay every infidel in my path🧕🧕 until shariah law was implemented world wide" he then was like I won't allow a mujahid to spread the gentle message of mohamabamba and then summoned a djinn 🧞‍♂️🧞‍♂️ in the shape of jahsehs foreskin and he said he was the servant of shaytan👹👹well i wasn't going to let blasphemy😡😡go unpunished and chanted oh allah the most kind and beautiful please banish these heathens back to hell🔙🔙 and suddenly the heavens opened and we loooked and it was billie🤩🤩she said "i am allah and i was disguised as billie to give hope to all 14 year old girls"😜😜but then i felt an evil force rising😳😳it was xxxtentacion😲😲 he said "spotlight uh moonlight uh beat woman cos they have no rights uh"🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ and then allah and X fought and of course allah won 😉😉 and spread World peace ✌️✌️ so anyway that's the TEA sisters ☕☕stay tuned for my fenti beauty 💄💄 giveaway 🎉🎉and remember praise allah everyday🤗🤗

        Sigma male schedule

          Sigma male is a slang term used in masculinist subcultures for a popular, successful, but highly independent and self-reliant man.
          2:00 am- Wake up
          
          2.05am-Cold shower
          
          2.15am-breakfast,almonds, breast milk bought off Facebook, 50mg adderall
          
          2:30am- begin workout,incline bench 2 plates,12x12 with 30 seconds of rest, no warmup.
          
          2:45am-edging,4hrs (for disipline)
          
          6:45am-cold shower
          
          7:00am-begin sprint to work
          
          8:00am-arrive at work
          
          8:05am-get called into boss' office
          
          8:06am-get fired from job for "repeated inappropriate comments" and "predatory behaviour"
          
          8:10am-sprint back home
          
          9:10am- lunch-raw cod, berries foraged on the way home, small pebbles (for digestion),50mg of adderal
          
          9:10am-edging(as punishment)
          
          3:00pm- bed time

          NoFap

            bõner
            So it was 2016 or so and I remember the NoFap hype was insane. I was an insanely happy 18 year old boy who had just gotten into the gym, eating healthy, and all that good stuff. It was also my freshmen year of college, and I had never seen so many hot girls in my life.
            
            I had seen so many memes on Twitter and Reddit about people not jerking off during No Nut November and decided I was going to be one of the nut jobs who was actually about it, but I was going to go longer than just November.
            
            3 Months later, I was depressed to find out that I was not able to levitate, I was not able to lift heavier, and my mood had not increased. In fact by this point I would get a full blown boner from my cock accidentally touching something or rubbing against something. I would go to stand up at school and my shlong would accidentally brush up against the desk and I would have to forcefully ground myself to not get a raging Bõner. I had become insanely irritable, aggressive, and felt like a ticking time bomb. I have been in therapy for years and it's sad to say I believe I have spent more time grounding myself to avoid getting a raging boner, compared to practicing grounding techniques to fight off panic attacks.
            
            Anyway, we'll get to the good part.
            
            I had an insane workout at the gym, there were a plethora of hot females there, and I knew the second I was changing in the locker room that I was going to explode. I had slid my shorts up to my waist and they brushed against my dick super badly this time. I had to practice deep breathing and waistband it before I walked out of the gym.
            
            I sped home and immediately ran upstairs and shut my door. I enter pornhub.com and from there it was like the South Park episode where they lose internet and Randy Marsh jerks off to anything he sees.
            
            I didn't even watch a video; I jerked off to the thumbnails of the videos because I couldn't sit there and wait for it to load. I came in literally around 20-30 seconds and it was bad.
            
            I have learned to never try NoFap again. It was actually so intense I was overwhelmed by the feeling and was slightly anxious afterwards, fuck that shit!