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Storytime

Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.


TIFU by imagining my dick as a 6 speed manual transmission

    Today in another episode of "That happened"
    I have an unhealthy habit of imagining my dick as a 6 speed manual transmission, and shifting gears with it.
    
    I do it every time I have a rock hard boner especially when I'm in no mood to jerk off.
    
    Last week, I was at my parents house for dinner. So, after I was done with my dinner, I was horny so decided to head back to my old room and have a little sausage massage session.
    
    I put on some ebony porn, and started to slowly play with myself. Halfway through, I lost interest, but I had a rock solid boner, so I decided to shift gears with it. So, I put on some manual transmission car racing videos on my TV, and shifted gears with my dick whenever the guys in the video shifted the gears. I was trying to match the timing, and it was fun.
    
    The fun lasted for 10 minutes, until my dad barged into my room to ask me if I would fancy some ice cream. The puzzled look on his face said everything.
    
    tl;dr :- My dad caught me shifting gears with my dick to car racing videos.

    Discord made me racist 😣😣😣

      Least racist discord user
      Last time when I was 9 years old, my 29 years old roblox friend told me to download an app called discord.
      
      So after using discord for 3 years, I found multiple racist servers that I joined. They all send nazi and geroge floyd.
      
      They say n word and shit and now I say the n word too. I think saying n word is so funny. I say heil hitler too 😂😂😂
      
      Everytime I post gore, me and the boys can’t stop laughing. We jack off to fortnite sex too.
      
      I am now racist and a nazi 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

      I encountered a racist homophobic dreamphobe today.

        Dream is a YouTuber known primarily for Minecraft content and speedrun videos.
        I joined a discord server yesterday. My discord status was: "💚 please give me your cum daddy dream! i want to fuck that smiley face of yours 😪😪😪". I am a dreamgender, and I support Dream and will continue to support him until I am out of cum. Anyways, back to the story. Now, this fucking stupid mod DMs (Dream Messages) me. What does he says? He says the following.
        
        "Your discord status is against our server rules, please remove or change your status. If you do not do this, we will have to ban/kick you."
        
        Then, I immediately told the moderator that I am a 13 dreamgender girl. He didn't give a shit. I thought ALL moderators could get seduced. That was a fucking lie. Ugh! Anyways, we started arguing about how my status is extremely SFW and wholesome (i am obviously right.) I told him that i anted to speak with the manager. So, he created a group chat with me, the owner, and himself. I explained him the situation, how the moderator was a racist pedophile dreamphobe homophobe and a groomer. The owner did NOT believe me; a fellow Dreamgender person. I was so mad that I punched my dream themed computer so hard. Then, I realized what i had done. I punched my daddy dream monitor. I immediately DMd dream about this on twitter. I wrote a 20000 word apology to him. I was so depressed after my daddy dream monitor was gone.
        
        Then, I logged to Discord on my dream themed phone. I could not believe what had happened. I got a DM from MEE6 saying that I got banned for the reason "inappropriate status". I was so mad. I immediately DM'd the owner about this. He didn't care, and he had the audacity to block a fellow DREAMGENDER person. I could not believe it. How could someone be this racist and dreamphobic? I cried myself to sleep that night and decided that I should go to therapy.
        
        Please tell me, r/dreamgender! What should I do about this? I already called the entire swat team on this discord moderator after he said that "Dream sucks", but it seemed like the swat did not care at all! Please, dream community. Let's get together and end this moderator's life! R/DREAMGENDER, ASSEMBLE! 💚🤍🖤💚🖤🤍🖤🤍🖤🤍

        TIFU trying to poop on a cockroach

          smh the cockroach didn't crawl up his ass
          This monster cockroach had taken up residence in my bathroom for like the last year but whenever I tried to catch him he would always slip my grasp. About 10 minutes ago I finally corner the bastard in a cartoon box. I find a way to maneuver the roach into the toilet without wasting any time, and a sense of victory washes over me. But is this enough? Oh hell no I want this fucker to suffer. I decide I'm going to drop a load on him before I flush him, a dishonorable sendoff. So I get on the toilet and start going to work. It starts coming out and this is one solid log I had been holding on to for about half an hour (because xbox) I aim by looking through my legs, all is going well, the log is right on coarse. Eventually it makes contact, and this is when all hell breaks lose. The roach goes full rambo and climbs UP MY SHIT towards my butthole! I panic and start jumping around like a 50's housewife who just spotted a rat. Mind you my log hadn't been broken yet so I'm spreading that shit all over the bathroom in the process. Best part? The little bastard got away. Now I'm sitting on my computer procrastinating cleaning my bathroom covered in fecal matter.

          There’s no more cum left on Earth.

            Only the cumbender can save society then
            Open
            You're lying down in your bed, bringing you hands to your mouth once more to lubricate your penis. You've been masturbating for one hour now, yet you still haven't came and your penis is beginning to absorb your saliva, becoming a sticky, burning hot rod. Furiously, you begin to accelerate your masturbation rapidly. By two hours, your cock is burning in pain yet there is not a single drop of cum - not even precum.
            
            Meanwhile, next door, a girl is masturbating too, on stream, but they can't reach orgasm. In desperation, the girl has resorted to using multiple dildos inside her pussy, but even that is no use. The girl then makes a makeshift sex machine from a dildo and an electric power tool - once again, this is futile. She punches her pillow in defeat.
            
            By three hours, you've given up trying to cum and gone downstairs to watch more anime. However, upon seeing an anime girl fall over and have a panty shot, you feel the need to cum again. Biting your arm to lead the the pain away from your penis, you rapidly masturbate. By four hours, you're screaming as your rough masturbation soon rips the skin cells off your dick. Your cock is now a burning red giant, but there is no cum left - any precum that was there has evaporated.
            
            Meanwhile, the girl screams too - not because of finally reaching orgasm, but because they've gone so long without one that they've resorted to anything. Rapidly pushing the small cactus in and outside of herself, the girl's toe curl on bed sheets as blood flows out from her vaginal entrance. body spasming in pain - but still, she does not orgasm. The world is getting even more desperate.
            
            Suddenly, you get a discord notification from a friend, saying they've been trying to cum to Dream x George fanfiction, but they've ended up making their cock a, quote, "burning red giant." Your eyes open in shock horror - it can't be, can it? You rush to the television to ask your waifu how to resolve this mystery when you find that the TV has replaced the anime with an emergency government announcement - there's a new disease preventing orgasms... and its contagious. You feel as if you're about to faint, quickly looking up if there's a cure - there is none. You screech in anger, knowing that your waifu will never love you if you can't pour semen all over a shitty print out of her.
            
            Meanwhile, the girl cries, double fisting her bleeding self as she shrieks in rage, desperate to orgasm. What on Earth can a female do in life if they cannot orgasm? The girl is realising her chatterbate viewers are going down - she needs this orgasm. Realising that there is no hope, she illogically becomes even more desperate, suddenly barging into her brother's room, who is lying naked on the floor, dick ripped off next to a knife; the disease has claimed its first victim. She shoves the dick in her pussy, crying as the lactic acid burns her arm as she rapidly accelerates her brother's dethatched cock in and out, but it's no use: she has the disease.
            
            Suddenly, both of them stop. There's a large siren and a warning appears on the televisions of every house in the world, "There is no more cum." The world quickly devolves and you hear a car crash into your house. Out of nowhere, a man grabs you by the neck, desperately shoving his cock in your ass in the need of cum, raping you. Yet, it's no use - the man has the disease, and so do you. Luckily, there's a gun to the side and you manage to pry the discord moderator off, before killing him.
            
            Given a few weeks, society practically doesn't exist - it's like the apocalypse. Crime rates have skyrocketed as people loot dildo shops. The hospitals are beginning to crumble as more and more women show up with more and more exotic accidents. Meanwhile men are being completely taken over by their horniness: a female reporter is stood outside, reporting where the disease was first reported, and you feel the urge. You and the cameraman both turn on her trust, stripping her down and savagely pummelling her, but it's not use - you can not cum. The woman shouts, enraged too, for she can not orgasm either. Children in high school are to scared to go outside and you don't blame them, knowing what sickening lows you may succumb too once this disease truly takes control. Other children, who had already been on discord and thus knew about sex thanks to the moderators, have began spiralling into madness too - high schools have become orgies, with devastating costs to the countries IQ, you think.
            
            Eighty years pass and the human population plummets. Listening to Prokofiev's "Death of Tybalt" in your asylum room, you attempt to masturbate one more time. Unbeknownst to you, your the last human on the planet. Entire families have killed each other, each one raping the others corpse, foolishly believing from online sources that necrophilia was the cure. Men and women have killed themselves in spectacular accidents, dying in human crushes as hundreds of orgy-goers suffocate naked. Young teenagers have formed sex cults, praying to bizarre dank memes whilst furiously fucking each other in the hope that somehow, a fucking meme removes the symptoms of a disease. Like you thought, the IQ of the general population has lowered. However, you know better, you know there's no cure so you separated yourself from the idiots, hiding away in this asylum with a few staff who have recently died too... And you still can't cum. Wailing in sadness, you scratch and tear at your cock, wishing it to hell. Eventually, with enough force, you rip your sexual organ clean off and force it into your metal handcuffs.
            
            "What's this?" You think - it worked. The handcuffs are unlocked. You look outside to the asylum balcony. You can finally escape this petty world. "How men and women have fallen so far." You think, "To go from civil creatures to savage beasts, killing and raping everything in their path." You shake your head, thinking of the NatGeoWild documentaries you used to watch about savage apes. With a curse to the sky, the disease claims it's last life as the host throws itself off the balcony. Human life is gone and now, the disease has become animal born too. A few thousand years pass and there are no complex life forms at all...
            
            There's no more cum left on Earth.

            HELP. I UNCONTROLLABLY CUM WHENEVER I SEE A SMILY FACE.

              Smiley face do be making me feel weird underneath
              HELP!
              
              I (26M) was goin' to the bathroom at taco bell, as I normally do. as i reached into my big sweaty obese gaping asshole to grab my big fat squishy shits in order to shove them into the urinal, i noticed a cute lil' drawing on the stall. waddling my 300lb body over to get a better look, i realized what was drawn on the stall, a smiley face. i was immediately reminded of my lord and savior, daddy dream.
              
              i let out a roaring moan, shattering all the glass in the area, instantly letting everyone in that taco bell know of my presence. i ripped my clothes off, tugged on my dick, and started letting all of my body fluids drain out on the floor. sweat, pee, cum, shit, blood, organs, you name it, all flowing from my teeny weeny peenie hole. however, amidst my raging passion for dream, i hadn't realized what i had done! alas, everyone in that unisex bathroom stared at me in fear. men, women, children, all traumatized by the unholy sight ive forced apon their eyes.
              
              crying, i leaped out of a broken window, letting the glass scrape my unclothed flabs of stomach. i bolted into my car, but not before the police found me. with no time to think, i ran over 5 officers, an orphan, and a pregnant woman with my sexy prius. i managed to escape, but at what cost?
              I am currently living in the middle of nowhere. i will never talk to my family or my friends again. yesterday i ate a grilled rat for breakfast. i'm in constant fear of the police finding me, and i can only pray to dream that i'll be alright.
              
              anyone else having this problem?