Listen buddy. I dotn need your advice. I am a 4 star General expert tactician with decades of experience on the battlefield. I've been to warzones hotter than your breakfast. I've seen things no man can ever imagine. These hands of mine have taken more lives than you'll ever make love to. Im a decorated war hero with accolades from various countries. Ive fought alongside Navy Seals, SAS, GIGN, Delta Force, Shayetet 13, Spetsnaz, Joint Task Force 2, MARCOS, and Noble 6. I've been deployed to various conflicts throughout my life. And I tell you, when I am, I exhibit an unrelenting, merciless, devastating extermination upon my enemies. So don't come at me thinking you have the upper hand. I am the alpha male, I am the final boss. You haven't yet seen my final form, this is merely the begging of what's in store, an appetizer and the main course is on this way. So don't question me, don't give me advice, I don't need it. But you know what you'll need, a nice coffin for when I'm done with you. It's gonna be a closed casket funeral because there will be nothing left of you when I'm done.
Jesus Christ I cannot fucking stand these kinds of comments. I just saw another one after seeing a dude ask if the Resident Evil 4 Remake's PSVR port comes with the Separate Ways DLC. Some poor fucking guy posts online some innocuous question like "hey is XYZ DLC included in this game?" or "is this feature in Windows 11??" and some smart-ass will go "uh why didn't you just Google this? It takes five seconds to Google something. What are you, stupid?" Oh yeah dude totally, fuck human connection. God forbid someone want to connect with someone else online, if only briefly, over an innocuous thing, just to remind themselves in a cold and sometimes isolating world that there are other people with the same fucking questions you have. That's just awful. We shouldn't be asking other humans for advice, just Google shit! Fuck it, why even have human conversations? Just talk to an AI man, that shit is easier! "Why would you go out of your way to have sex, man? It takes five seconds to look up porn." You fucking nimrod. (I don't mean YOU, person reading. In my head, I'm telling at a fake, hypothetical person who represents everything I've ever been annoyed by. You're fine.) Googling shit doesn't always give you the answer. Sometimes people want help from a goddamn person in the present and not pouring through the distant past of a NeoGAF user from fucking 2005 to figure out if your ammo refills when you upgrade your capacity in Resident Evil 4 or some shit. "But they can just Google it, it takes 5 sec-" guess what else takes five seconds? Answering the fucking question or clicking on a different post. Fucking asinine. Weren't we just bitching and depressed because of how isolating COVID felt? Didn't you, fictional victim of my yelling, just post the other day about how lonely you feel sometimes? Small fucking moments with fellow humans means something. Maybe that dude needs help with his Roku TV not playing an .MP4 he put together, or maybe he just needs someone to go "Yeah isn't that fucking annoying? God video codecs are frustrating" along with him because it's not just about fucking video codecs not working on Roku. Do you not ever want to just bitch for a second about technology not working? Google doesn't do shit for that, you can't Google "it is really frustrating that my laptop volume is so low" and get Google to say back, "yeah, that's really fucking annoying, isn't it? Have you tried Sonic Studio III?" because GOOGLE IS NOT A PERSON. Not to mention Google fucking sucks nowadays. You know how long it took for me to finally find the right Blu-Ray authoring software that actually worked and wasn't an over-expensive piece of shit through Google? I had to download like six fucking programs, each time trying and hoping to fucking God this one would be what I needed only for it to be a clunky useless piece of shit that just wants $50 from me. Oh yeah Google was a real help there. No, what ACTUALLY helped was posting online and getting a recommendation from someone who has actually done that shit before. Dude didn't just bitch at me for not using Google, now I'm working with a program that doesn't make me want to tear my face off. Oh noooo but I'm just lazy, right? If you aren't using the Mega Overlord Google Search Engine you're just lazy! Fuck you. Give me your friends, I'll ask them, clearly you don't need them since you get everything you need from typing into a search engine, right? God damn this shit pisses me off. Sorry, I know you guys are all ranting about important shit like human rights and the possibility of human collapse within the next century, but I have to get this off my chest now and the actual subreddit, you know, offmychest, that shit seems to be for personal trauma and I don't wanna barge in there with my neurotic anger over internet pretension. Then again if that were to bother someone and they didn't know what to do about it, I guess they should just fucking Google it, right? Better not talk to any humans about it. I'm tired.
Stop fucking mewing. Do you realize that looksmaxxing is a worse plague on this earth than COVID?! You probably can't even read what I'm saying because instead of your hands being used to write in school you're making that same fucking motion hundreds of times every day. I bet your arm muscles can't even move your arm down below chin level anymore because of what you did. Your mother gets a call from your school. They say that her 7 year old son has not been learning and has been making a strange motion with his hand. They are scared that you are affiliated with some sort of gang. Soon, you are taken to a maximum security prison, where you are put in solitary confinement for until you stop pointing at your chin. You start to starve to death because your hands couldn't physically move downwards enough to reach your food. You're taken to the hospital, where they preform emergency surgery to remove both of your arm's tendons. Finally, the world is saved from your cringe.
Own a LAS-16 Sickle for home defense, since that's what Super Earth's founding fathers intended. Four Automatons break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my flowing cape and laser rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first bot, it's dead on the spot. Draw my LAS-7 Dagger on the second bot, miss it entirely because it's one small beam and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the autocannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with armor-piercing rounds, "FOR SUPER EARTH" the armor-piercing round shreds two bots in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix saber and charge the last terrified rapscallion. It bleeds out waiting on the SEAF to arrive since triangular saber wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
Are pussies objectively weird? Yes. But so are penises. And assholes. And mouths honestly. The human body is basically a horror show that we don’t fully appreciate because we’re so used to piloting one 24/7 that we’re deadened to it. Look at some surgery stills and tell me “yeah that thing looks like it should definitely live inside me, connected to other bits of meat and bone that definitely don’t look fucking bizarre at all”. Right now you’re reading this comment via electrochemically charged jelly sacks leashed with meat electric lines to an extremely squishy fat based meat computer. Upside down. Your meat computer has to flip the image as normal operating procedure. Compared to that shit genitals are pretty goddamn straightforward and tame. So don’t stress so much about it.
What the fuck did you just fucking say about Lance, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the hunter training academy, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Elder dragons, and I have over 300 confirmed hunts. I am trained in Rajang warfare and I'm the top lancer in the entire hunter research commission. You are nothing to me but just another Jaggi. I will wipe you the fuck out with guard the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of Raphinos across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, Bullfango. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred pokes, and that's just with my guard down. Not only am I extensively trained in mobile combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Palico gadgets and tail raiders and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the new world, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo.
