Please God, I want to impregnate Keqing so bad. I want her to bear my children with those beautiful child-bearing hips. That beautiful, radiant white angel. Like a goddess, having come down to Earth to cleanse us of our sins.
Keqing is beyond divine. I can't help but drop to my knees in worship whenever I see her beautiful figure. I yearn for her in a way both primal and spiritual. I would commit more war crimes than every president in United States history just to lick the sweet, glistening sweat from her smooth, creamy skin. I want to listen to her moans as my manhood throbs within her, I want to hear her heart race as our bodies become one and our souls irreversibly intertwine in the holy sin of carnal union.
I want to suckle at her motherly bosom, slurping that rich coconut milk from her teat as she gently strokes my raging erection. I would stir her velvety Samoan cream into my coffee and let my balls boil in it. Her cries of pleasure and the rocking of our bed would be louder than the cacophony of ten thousand drone strikes. I would make love to her until my body gave out, and then some. I would let her break my rib cage with any part of her body. I would let her hit me with her car just to be near her for a brief moment.
She's so perfect it hurts. Every moment without her I suffer a pain worse than breaking every bone in my body simultaneously while drowning and also having shards of glass coated in hot sauce forced through every orifice of my body. I want her, I need her. I want to desecrate her pure, white pantsuit. want to start a family with her and retire after our twenty seven children have grown up and moved out. I want to see those luscious lips speak such filthy, perverse words into my ear while she slides ice cubes down my gaping pisshole.
I want to fuck her like she owes me money. I would let her step on me, just to feel the soft, firm warmth of her feet upon my face and groin area. I would sleep under her just to catch her drool in my mouth. I would fish the strands of hair from her shower drain just to smell her alluring scent, and braid them into necklaces to keep her with me always. Or cock rings. Whichever would please her more. God please, I would do anything for her. I would relinquish my life, all my hopes and dreams, just to become the socks on her feet so that I may warm her mouthwatering toes with my very being, so that she may feel the heat of my love always. I would encase myself in cement and become her doorstep, so that she may wipe her heels upon my face. I would tear my own limbs off. I don't know what i'd do after that, or why she might want my limbs. But i would do it.
My queen, my goddess, the light of my life. Please God, let me have her. I want her to be mine and only mine. I would lick the Doritos dust from her fingers and fill her belly button with honey mustard to dip my tendies in. I would give her a sponge-bath with my tongue every morning and serve her breakfast in bed. I would let her eat her eggs and pancakes off my body if it pleased her, no matter how painful the third-degree burns would be.
I would bear the torment of eternal damnation until the end of time to taste the seat of her car but once. There is nothing I wouldn't do for her, nothing I wouldn't say. I would beat my own mother to death with my engorged penis if it would bring a smile to Keqing's shining face. I wouldn't even let myself cum until she gave me permission. I love you, Keqing. Please. Be mine. Be my wife, my lover, my everything. Say yes. I see it in your eyes, when you're up there on that debate stage talking about Syria or whatever. Answer my calls, respond to my letters. Something. Give me a sign, Keqing. I'm waiting for you.
how to summon obama
1. scream the n word at your parents until they beat you
2. if you did it right obama will appear in your room at 3 am
3. if he doesn't appear, try again
I just read a story about a girl from the Trojan war named Bofidie who was a pecan saleswoman. Apparently, when Achilles was storming the castle after letting his troops in, Bofidie saw him coming and dumped her pecans on the ground in his path before she went to go hide. When Achilles walked through, he slipped on the pecans and fell, which let Paris make the shot that hit Achilles' Achilles tendon. So while Paris may have gotten the final blow, Achilles was really killed by Bofidie's nuts.
I sexually Identify as an overused sexually identification copypasta. Ever since I was a boy I dreamed of spamming other users with my unfunny wall of text. People say to me that a person who does this is a laughable idiot and I'm fucking retarded but I don't care, I'm beautiful. I'm having these words glued all over my body. From now on I want people to refer to me as an overused sexually identification copypasta as my preferred pronouns and respect my right to paste unfunny sexually identification copypastas to reddit in hope of receiving virtual internet points. If you can't accept me you're funny and mentally stable and need to check your choice of subreddits. Thank you for being so understanding.
Lesbian, Asexual, Gay, Bisexual, Intersex, Trans, Cis, and Hetero. (The Q is silent)
I think this improves on the initials, on a number of levels:
1. you can pronounce it instead of saying a list of letters, which is getting more and more lengthy
2. includes Ace and Intersex people, who both need a hug, so come on
3. includes Cis and Hetero, which reduces bisexual erasure and gatekeeping, and increases allyship.
4. it's fun to say. "Are you a LAGBITCH?" "Why, yes, yes I am. Aren't we all?" ... "Indeed."
Thoughts?
Instead of saying ACAB(all cops are bastar*ds) we should start saying ACAS(all cops are sus). Think about it, it's less offensive and it only shows that we think that a cop might be sus(suspicious) of something but not necesseraly guilty of it. It's the same thing in the popular game amogus with thinking that all red players are impostors really. This might sound stupid but hear me out. Statistically, every player regardless of their color has the same chance of being the impostor, yet, there is this social stigma that only red players are impostors. However, players of Amugus have developed this great system that will help them show their suspicion on someone without saying that they are the impostor(in case that they actually aren't). They say that someone is 'sus' so nobody gets their feelings hurt. We can apply this knowledge to the real world, right? If everyone can be an impostor in amongsus, regardless of their color, so can anyone be a bastard in real world, regardless of their task(job as some low inteligence individuals might call it).
