Nice clothes and makeup, loser. Oh, you’re expressing yourself? You’re having fun? Well I’m going to stop you right there, because we both know goth is a music based subculture and I can tell from looking at you that you don’t listen to any goth bands. Depeche Mode and Joy Division? Don’t make me laugh. The Sisters of Mercy? Andrew Eldritch himself says they’re not goth, are you saying you know better than him? Siouxsie and the Banshees? Oh, I’m terribly sorry to inform you that they were straightforward post punk, who then sold out to the mainstream and became alternative pop. Don’t see the word goth anywhere in that sentence, I’m afraid. Rosetta Stone, the Merry Thoughts, Fields of the Nephilim? You may not be aware of this, but all so-called “gothic rock” bands were simply ripping off the Sisters of Mercy while bringing no creativity or value to the table whatsoever. And as we have already established, the Sisters of Mercy are not goth. Bauhaus? Just because they wrote a song about a vampire they must be goth, huh? I won’t even bother to address that, but I will gladly let you know that Bauhaus clearly is not a goth band, since there was no goth genre yet when they were in existence. It’s really not complicated at all. And the Cocteau Twins are popular again, so obviously they’re not goth. You really are stupid, aren’t you? Oh okay, something more modern? Vision Video, Urban Heat? Oh please. Just plain new wave poorly masquerading as goth. It’s honestly insulting. Drab Majesty? With that instrumentation? Give me a fucking break. London After Midnight were never goth, and they certainly aren’t now. There’s something here you seem to be missing. It’s not about having fun, or listening to music you like, because I hate to burst your little bubble, but you’re not supposed to like goth music. Listening to it should be a chore! You’ve got to suffer through every minute in order to earn the right to wear those cool clothes of yours! But uh oh, you seem to be out of luck. Goth music isn’t real. Nowhere on this Earth exists real goth music. Well, nowhere except on my bandcamp page, where you can find my 102-minute demo tape. And yes, it’s also produced by yours truly. You’re welcome. Of course, you still won’t be a real goth until you can recite the lyrics of 5 songs each from 10 goth bands in 15 subgenres, but that’s okay. You can just call yourself darkly inclined. And also a dumb loser.