For 23 years and 11 months had I suffered them, the ignorant gaijin back home who sickened me with their microwaved culture and their materialism. The spindly losers in the anime club who cared only for anime and not a whit for the superior monoethnic culture to which it was endemic. Well no more. Fucking zettai no more. I touched down in the country I was certain I had lived all my previous lives, no doubt as a badass ronin samurai ninja or some shit. I had never been here, but I had returned.
Nippon-sama, tadaima!
No sooner had I left the airport when I saw the woman of my dreams. She confirmed my every hope, my every ideal of this great land. The light coming in through the sakura backlit her like a full body halo. She was made of demure and soft spoken. Of bowing and bento.
Of Japan and perfect.
My heart started doki doki-ing all over the shop. And then she saw me! Spotted me in the crowd! Well, of course she did, I was like a head taller than the fucking hobbits they call men around here. I was in no state of mind to meet her gaze, and tried to look away but I was paralysed. She was just so ... prettyu ...
And just like that she started walking over. Her walk was just pure concentrated sex. If you poured a glass of it sex fumes would just rise right off the top. I loved the way the light danced unevenly over her pristine porcelain skin as she walked. The way she did more for me by showing just her shoulders than any American girls could by showing their entire gaping cleavage for all the world to SEE THIS YOU SHOULD TAKE NOTES, THIS IS WHAT SEXY IS YOU FUCKING WHORES -
"おげようごります"。
Oh shit, what did she say? She said something! To me! But I wasn't con –
"おげんきですか"。
OK, OK, I know this one. Where have I heard it before? Naruto 43? Oh god she's so hot –
"わたしのなまえは かお です"。
Fuck, I couldn't find the right words. Was it oro? Was it dattebayo? Was it anata baka?!?
"おなまえはなんすか"。
You know what, it doesn't even matter! Her voice sounds as good as she looks. I don't need to say anything. I could do this forever. This is goddamn bliss.
"..."
She suddenly seemed apprehensive, like she was cautious of what she wanted to say next. Loveu loveu confession desu?!
"Yes, what is it?" I blurted out.
"OH HEY MAN YOU SPEAKING ENGLISH?"
"What?" What?
"OH YEAH YOU DOES HAY NICE I LIKE."
No. NO! This was not coming from her mouth. It couldn't be.
"OH HAY YOU FROM AMERICA I LIKE. SO COOL! FUCK!"
no no no no no no
"I LOVE ALL AMERICA MOVIE AND SERIE. OH HAY DO YOU WATCH FRIENDS YES. ROSS AND RACHEL. COOL!"
"Um ... pleasu speaku Japanesu."
"NO ENGLISH MUCH BETTER I LEARN MANY YEAR AND COLOUR HAIR TO LOOK LIKE HILLARY DUFF. SO CUTE! FUCK!"
"I CAN SPEAK JAPANESEU SO ONEGAI PLEASE SPEAK JAPANESE TO WATASHI!"
"MORE INTENSITY LOGER MOORE RIP MY STOCKINGS RIP MY STOCKINGS LOL"
