English is my fourth language and I'm writing this on my phone with a throwaway account using only my toes while reading Kierkegaard so please forgive me for any grammar mistakes. :)
So, a little backstory. I'm a 24-year-old female, 5'10, white (thank God), skinny with DD breasts and an ass that barely fits in skinny jeans. People often say that I'm the most stunningly gorgeous person they've ever met and I should consider modeling but I dunno lol. I'm childfree, an atheist, a meat lover, and strictly heterosexual.
Anyway, both my parents died in a Muslim terrorist attack when I was 12 along with all my aunts, uncles, and grandparents so I took it upon myself to raise all twenty of my siblings and cousins singlehandedly, working four full-time jobs while going to school, leading eight clubs, captaining the varsity volleyball, water polo, and basketball teams, and volunteering at a hospital all while maintaining a healthy social life. I'm currently working on my fifth Ph.D. in between running my successful non-profit to end global poverty, writing my eleventh novel, starring in the final Tarantino film, streaming Minecraft, protesting in Hong Kong, and phone banking for Bernie Sanders.
So I was at the hardware store picking out a chandelier to put in the house I'm building for the homeless when this fat, smelly, repulsive, gay, transgender "woman" walks up to me and shrieks, "you're oppressing me by being thin! Eat a fucking vegan burger you skinny slut!" I hit her with the "okay boomer," and she responded, "that's literally as offensive as calling me a n*gger!" Then she threw her slimy crotch goblin at me and screamed, "get her, Jayden! Infect her with your polio that you got because I refuse to vaccinate you!" I didn't wanna be a Karen and call the manager over to settle this so I took it upon myself to personally vaccinate her child right on the spot and saved his life. The "woman" then tried to convert me to Christianity so I kicked her in the balls and dragged her out of the store. Everyone clapped, the manager gave me $1,000 (which I donated to TeamTrees), and Obama reached out to thank me for my bravery.
So reddit. Fellow redditors. People of reddit. Denizens of reddit.com. Wise sages of the internet. Tell me the truth. Am I the asshole?
Edit: Wow, this got a lot more attention than I thought it would! Since a lot of people are asking, yes, I am a Navy SEAL and no, I have never pooped in my entire life. I was a quadriplegic after this incident but I overcame the paralysis very quickly because I'm not a little bitch. Also, because it seems to be relevant, here are the details of my sex life: I get plowed three to four times a day by my perfect lover, I'm into every kink imaginable, I have no gag reflex, and my tubes are tied so no worries there. Apparently sex with me cures all diseases and causes a bigger dopamine hit than heroin, but I dunno.