HEY👋 YOU👋 ARE YOU UPSET😤😭💔 YOU DIDN'T GET ANY DICK🍆 VAG🌮✌️ OR ASS🍑 THIS VALENTINE’S DAY💘💘 WELL👏 YOU👏 ARE👏 IN👏 LUCK👏 TODAY📆 IS THE IDES OF FEBRUARY 👉😏👉 YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS 🙌😨‼️ IT IS LUPERCALIA🎊 THE ROMAN FESTIVAL🎉🎉 THE CHURCH⛪️✝️ PEGGED🍆🍆 TO THE LEGEND OF ST VALENTINE 🙅♂️😇 WHY GOD GOTTA BE A COCKBLOCK❓❌🍆❌ EVER WONDER🤔 WHERE THE “FEBRUA”😩 IN FEBRUARY😫 COMES🤤🍾💦💦💦 FROM⁉️ TAKE OUT YOUR STYLUS✏️ AND TABULA RASA🗒 AND GET READY TO TAKE SOME NOTES📝 CUZ THIS SHIT💩💩 IS ABOUT TO GET EDUCATIONAL🤓🤓 JUST HOW HARDCORE💯💯💯 WAS THIS ANCIENT PAGAN HOLIDAY¿¿🏺🔮HERE’S A HINT: NAKED ROMANS 🔞🔞🔞 TOGA❗️ TOGA❗️ TOGA❗️ NAMED AFTER THE LUPERCAL, THE CAVE🕳 WHERE THE TWIN FOUNDERS OF ROME🏛 ROMULUS ET REMUS👬 WERE SUCKLED🤗🤗 BY THE SHE-WOLF🐺 MMM DAT MILKY MILKY MILK🍼🍼 INSIDE THE CAVE THE RITUAL👹🕯 WOULD BEGIN WITH TWO NAKED🤫 LUPERCI PRIESTS SACRIFICING ☠️👻 A GOAT🐐 AS A REPRESENTATION OF SEXUALITY👅🍒 AND A DOG🐕 RIP CERBERUS🦴 THE TWO PRIESTS WOULD USE THE CEREMONIAL DAGGER🔪 TO SMEAR BLOOD🩸 ON EACH OTHER’S FOREHEAD🤦♂️ AND WIPE IT AWAY👋 WITH MILK-SOAKED WOOL🥛🐑 WHILE LAUGHING😆😅 AFTER EATING THE SACRIFICIAL GOAT🍽🥢 THE PRIESTS WOULD CUT THE HIDE INTO STRIPS✂️ AND FASHION SOME INTO THONGS 🩲👙🔛 THE PRIESTS WOULD THEN RUN🏃🏻♂️🏃🏻♂️ AROUND THE CITY👀🙈🍆🍆🍆 USING THE REMAINING BLOODY GOAT STRIPS😳🙄 AS INSTRUMENTS💉 OF PURIFICATION, OR “FEBRUA”😱🤯😵 WOMEN WOULD WELCOME THE LASHES📿📿 AS A BLESSING OF FERTILITY🙌🙏 SPANK ME, DADDY 👨🏻👋😝 MAYBE THIS ALL SOUNDS WILD AND CRAZY🤪 BUT HEY🗣🗣 WHEN IN ROME😏😏 IT’S TRADITION😈😈 SO THAT MAKES IT OKAY👌👈☔️ #LEGALIZECHRISTIANITY‼️ SEND📲 THIS TO 🔟 rHOEmans👯♀️ AND YOU’LL BE A VESTAL VIRGIN😙 💅 GET 0️⃣ BACK AND YOU’RE A BARREN BITCH 😣 OR A FALLOW FUCKBOI😖 GET 🔟 BACK AND YOU’RE A BOUNTIFUL BABE💃 GET 2️⃣5️⃣ BACK AND YOU’RE THE FLAMEN DIALIS 🔥 JUPITER’S HIGH🌬🚬 PRIEST😽🪐 GET 5️⃣0️⃣ BACK AND YOU’RE PONTIFEX maXXXimus 🤩🛐 GET 💯 BACK AND YOU’RE A CERTIFIED NYMPHO 🤤🎟🎢🎆 PAX ROMANA MEANS SEX FOR WORLD PEACE🌍✌️🌿