Your son, F2-Y8, is having his 13th birthday party soon. You sigh, knowing that will be the day he becomes of age. You check the mail, and see a familiar logo: the symbol for recycling, except the three arrows are three sperm cells. It is a letter from the Department of Cum Extraction, notifying you that another daily load of cum is now expected from your household. Failure to produce said daily load within 3 days of your son’s birthday will result in a cum tax. Your family can’t afford another cum tax. You hesitantly head to your son’s room to explain what his fate will be until he can no longer produce cum. You show him the location of the ol’ household sperm tube and how to use it. He seems embarrassed and confused at first, but you know that one day he will get used to it.
Cum, more specifically sperm, is the future of renewable energy! Now you may think I’m crazy, but hear me out for a second. Upon ejaculation, a male releases 15 to 200 million sperm cells. According to the 2010 Census, there are 151.8 million males in the United States. If 151.8 males produced even the lowest number of 15 million sperm cells, it would result in there being somewhere in the quadrillions of these tiny things, and that’s just a single day. I know you’re probably wondering what this has to do with renewable energy, and we’re getting there now. Because of the sheer amount of these things, they could likely generate insane amounts of heat despite their microscopic stature, if placed close together. My proposal is that every male in the country cums at least once per day in an aptly named, “sperm tube”, which is placed in every household and connects to an underground facility, where the cells are being collected in one big dome, which connect to another set of tubes that transfer their heat energy to every home in the country. So what are we waiting for? We are using up all of our natural resources despite a perfectly viable, cheap, and renewable source living under our noses as we speak. You can do your part. Start protesting and make our goal known to the government. Recruit more people to join our cause. Preserve your sperm to make a statement. Climate change is a serious issue, and this would drastically reduce our use of non renewable resources, in simple terms, your cum can save the world. This won’t be an easy fight, but if we all band together, I believe we can do it!
