I fucked a potato when I was 14. I got the idea from a radio show and thought that it might feel good. I cut a hole long ways through the middle and used it to jerk off. It wasn't enjoyable at all and I remember the guilt and shame I felt as I snuck a broken, cum covered potato to the side of the house to throw it in the garbage can. It smelled weird as well.
I told some friends at school and it became pretty common knowledge, not that I cared. I never really had too much of a problem getting laid in my school years and I think me and that potato taught a lot to each other. Some of the girls who heard about it found it kind of intriguing.
Looking back on it that potato was the only thing I've fucked that didn't lie to me and betray me. It was there when I needed it, it didn't talk and performed its duties admirably (though it was a bit cold, rough, and slimy) and it probably would have fed me if I needed it to. And I discarded it like so much flotsam in a sea of mediocrity. I'll pay for this mistake for the rest of my life.
Some times at night when I can't fall asleep I still think about you, noble spud. I'm sorry I didn't mash you the way you needed me to, I was young and stupid. Now you're in a landfill and I'm in a bigger, more putrid landfill they call the United States. Maybe on some other life we can, you know...
