So. Lets rule out both the zombie and the zombie pigman due to rotting flesh. Next we throw out the silverfish due to size and also have you seen the fuckers irl? Next, I’m throwing out both spiders because that’s just too many eyes, fangs, legs, and hair. Also the blaze, because while it probably could do some oral stuff, it’s also on fire, which is hazardous.
We started with 13 and are now at 7.
The magma cube is rock on the outside and magma on the inside; from unpleasant to outright dangerous. The skeleton is also bone, which is an unpleasant texture, no matter which end of the fucking you’re on. The ghast does have a fine mouth, but it’s too big. Either you’re getting busted open by that painfully big tongue, or you’re throwing a hotdog down a hallway. The same issue is even more pronounced with the ender dragon, since even that ender cloaca would be unsatisfying.
This leaves us with 3 potential candidates. The creeper, the enderman, and the slime.
There is something I’ve been leaving out until now. The most important thing in any such matter.
CONSENT
Neither the creeper nor the slime has the intellectual capacity to give consent. This means that fucking them, or many of the other hostile mobs here, would be akin to bestiality.
This leaves us with a clear answer.
The smooth, mysterious, tall lanky fellow of everyone’s wet dreams and nightmares. The enderman. Were these tall, sexy people once human? What can that mouth do? So many questions, and all the time in the world…
