My wife has for the past weeks been playing BG3, and it has affected her entire demeanor. She no longer speak with her normal accent but instead a posh British one. Even her body language is different. Like some James Bond villain.
She now calls me "darling". And says a lot of catchphrases I assume comes from the character "Astarion". I haven't played the game myself but I get constant story bits from her gaming sessions. The other day she was going to show me something on Instagram and her recommended was just a wall of images of this vampire guy. Alot of her downtime is now spent on listening to interviews from the voice actors from this game.
This is not the first time she get influenced by pop culture. We watched Breaking bad together and she has since never stopped saying bitch at every available opportunity. That was over 1,5 years ago. She is a massive one piece fan and each time she watches it, there will be a week long period of random japanese phrases and anime behavior.
Someone please send help. I fear this is who she is now. I don't want to date a British person.
My rancid dick whispers to me: fuck, fuck, and fuck again. My ruined hole yearns to harvest all the cum in this world, and when this Bottom Urge calls, it possesses my whole being. Horny beyond repair, I know nothing besides this; I must resist this Bottom Urge, lest it consume my mind. I must discover what happened to me, and who I was. Before my twitching dick writes a tragedy in cum.
I literally cannot take it every time I see their fucking ridges I lose my goddamn shit. It's so fucking distracting when the tieflings show off their extra features and i end up staring for 20 fucking minutes while getting eaten by slimes because of how attractive those fucking side bones are. do you think they work as erogenous zones and so they moan whenever you stroke their hips or ribs or do you think its more like battle armor. do you think they like it when people touch their horns. what about their tails. i cannot stop playing fucking tiefling characters because the second i see the ridges every other thought instantly vacates my brain. i wanna play a githyanki for the proficiencies but i end up playing tiefling and picking the medium armor feat because i cannot stop myself from fucking losing it over their tails. they have claws. they got fucking claws do you know how awesome that is. tieflings were already hot in regular dnd when they just had the horns and tails but then Larian made them the most fuckable race in the multiverse. half of faerun is gonna be half-tiefling because they literally seduce everyone on the continent just by wearing a midcut shirt. im going to fucking explode why did they have to make them so hot fuck
I try to replace her with Karlach. Lae'zel does more damage. I respec Shadowheart into Tempest Cleric. Lae'zel still does more damage. I try to swap in Gale; but Lae'zel does more damage. I want to test out Wyll. His best team has Lae'zel.
I try to pass a dialogue check to save a frightened orphan from a fire. I fail. Lae'zel, with 8 charisma, uses Astral Knowledge and becomes profecient in Persuasion. She convinces the orphan that the fire builds character.
I try to use Jump on Lae'zel. She grabs me by the throat. "I don't need your pitiful magic, Revrykal." She uses Enhanced Leap to reach and kill the three archers trying to ambush us with 6 of her 17 attacks that turn. She then uses Misty Step to teleport back and kill the barbarian charging us with another 2 strikes.
We are surrounded by a group of angry frost elementals. I prepare a fireball. "Tsk'va", she says, "I don't need this spell." She removes Fireball from my spellbook and replaces it with Haste; I'm forced to use it on her. She nods to herself. "Better."
Astarion is dying. I open up my alchemy satchel to try and craft a health potion but the only ingredients in my bag are for potions of speed. "You just need to funnel all your resources into giving me more attacks," Lae'zel says, "Vampires are already undying."
We reach a bridge containing so many traps that the bridge itself has began to sink. Lae'zel fails to disarm the first trap. "Guess this is the end", she says, summoning her Mage Hand. She uses her Mage Hand to throw me into the middle of the bridge. As every trap begins to explode around me, there is no hint of sadness in her eyes. Nothing but pure, Githyanki pride. What a cruel world.
