>first day of college
>walk into Computer Science 101 class
>look around, normie MacBooks and pleb laptops abound
>reach into backpack
>summon up all my strength
>powerlift my gaming laptop onto the desk
>catch my breathe for a moment
>reach into my backpack again
>once again summon my strength
>pull out the charging cable (the laptop only lasts 5 minutes without a charge)
>drop it onto the desk, a loud THUMP echoes throughout the classroom and into the hallways >the classroom is now staring in awe of the monster I've just unleashed
>plug the cable in, sparks fly as though Zeus himself blessed the connection
>classmates look on in horror as I open the laptop >as I hover my finger towards the power button, some students begin trying to escape the room >but there is no escape
>press the power button
>RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
For 23 years and 11 months had I suffered them, the ignorant gaijin back home who sickened me with their microwaved culture and their materialism. The spindly losers in the anime club who cared only for anime and not a whit for the superior monoethnic culture to which it was endemic. Well no more. Fucking zettai no more. I touched down in the country I was certain I had lived all my previous lives, no doubt as a badass ronin samurai ninja or some shit. I had never been here, but I had returned.
Nippon-sama, tadaima!
No sooner had I left the airport when I saw the woman of my dreams. She confirmed my every hope, my every ideal of this great land. The light coming in through the sakura backlit her like a full body halo. She was made of demure and soft spoken. Of bowing and bento.
Of Japan and perfect.
My heart started doki doki-ing all over the shop. And then she saw me! Spotted me in the crowd! Well, of course she did, I was like a head taller than the fucking hobbits they call men around here. I was in no state of mind to meet her gaze, and tried to look away but I was paralysed. She was just so ... prettyu ...
And just like that she started walking over. Her walk was just pure concentrated sex. If you poured a glass of it sex fumes would just rise right off the top. I loved the way the light danced unevenly over her pristine porcelain skin as she walked. The way she did more for me by showing just her shoulders than any American girls could by showing their entire gaping cleavage for all the world to SEE THIS YOU SHOULD TAKE NOTES, THIS IS WHAT SEXY IS YOU FUCKING WHORES -
"おげようごります"。
Oh shit, what did she say? She said something! To me! But I wasn't con –
"おげんきですか"。
OK, OK, I know this one. Where have I heard it before? Naruto 43? Oh god she's so hot –
"わたしのなまえは かお です"。
Fuck, I couldn't find the right words. Was it oro? Was it dattebayo? Was it anata baka?!?
"おなまえはなんすか"。
You know what, it doesn't even matter! Her voice sounds as good as she looks. I don't need to say anything. I could do this forever. This is goddamn bliss.
"..."
She suddenly seemed apprehensive, like she was cautious of what she wanted to say next. Loveu loveu confession desu?!
"Yes, what is it?" I blurted out.
"OH HEY MAN YOU SPEAKING ENGLISH?"
"What?" What?
"OH YEAH YOU DOES HAY NICE I LIKE."
No. NO! This was not coming from her mouth. It couldn't be.
"OH HAY YOU FROM AMERICA I LIKE. SO COOL! FUCK!"
no no no no no no
"I LOVE ALL AMERICA MOVIE AND SERIE. OH HAY DO YOU WATCH FRIENDS YES. ROSS AND RACHEL. COOL!"
"Um ... pleasu speaku Japanesu."
"NO ENGLISH MUCH BETTER I LEARN MANY YEAR AND COLOUR HAIR TO LOOK LIKE HILLARY DUFF. SO CUTE! FUCK!"
"I CAN SPEAK JAPANESEU SO ONEGAI PLEASE SPEAK JAPANESE TO WATASHI!"
"MORE INTENSITY LOGER MOORE RIP MY STOCKINGS RIP MY STOCKINGS LOL"
A tear of joy streams down my cheek, snapping me out of the beautiful and peaceful illusion the glowing screen had created in the middle of the quiet night, where only cars on the highway can be heard. I gaze out the window with a blank and disappointed face, as I mutter "Yeah, thats not me." The stars glimmer quietly in the night sky like diamonds calling out to you to reach them. I turn my wet face back to the screen to make yet another pointless comment on another pointless post. My hand becomes numb and realize what I truly desire in life, something I can only hope to harbor in front of my eyes...
I am a lover of fine literature; most notably the epic poems of Ancient Greece. I find that today's writers lack the rhetorical wit and emotional depth of the ancient writers of yore.
To wit, an uneducated buffoon of lower intellect today may say to you - Hey, what's up? Wanna smash?
Whereas a fine gentleman (such as myself) will quote the estimable Homer himself - There is the heat of Love, the pulsing rush of Longing, the lover’s whisper, irresistible—magic to make the sanest man go mad.
Now will you take my hand while I escort you to my subterranean abode?
